Stupid Dirty Dancing (My First Movie Review!)

So here's the deal. I've never seen Dirty Dancing. Ever. So just get over your shock and close your mouth already. Anyway, our office has a fancy new plasma tv on which we occasionally play movies. We have a broad range to choose from. For instance, yesterday was Fantastic 4 which was fantastically horrible to the third power times infinity. Today, my boss plopped in Dirty Dancing and I had to endure the inevitable, "YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THAT MOVIE?!", from all the girls in the office. Like, OMG.

The movie wasn't horrible. It was kinda entertaining, but the dialogue was precisely what I imagined it to be. Dancin' drama! But an itch started in my butt towards the beginning of the movie and it bugged me the whole way through. So, Baby is in a gazebo with a bunch of other people. There's this shalacked, bedazzled prostitute teaching them to "shake their maraccas", but not before teaching them to step from one side to another. In written form, I can explain this dance quite easily: Take one step to your left, then take one step to your right. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Baby is in the middle of one of the lines, struggling to step back and forth. They made her character development as a bad dancer all the more obvious by squeezing her in between old crusties and children who were effortlessly stepping back and forth. She was looking around, all "Geez this is hard! Like, it's really super hard!" The embarrassment only furthered when the shiny prostitute pronounced that they were going into a conga line! Yippee! But not for Baby. Poor Baby. She didn't know how to put hands on other people's hips and walk. Forward. With the line. Oh, and occasionally kick one of your legs out to the side.

Look, I get it. The point is to establish her as an awkward, totally unexperienced dancer who, 45 minutes later, would be hoisted into the air by a virile Patrick Swaze. But it was so painful to establish. In my mind, the establishment of her character was akin to the establishment of a building planned by laughing hyenas. Laughing hyenas who, as hyenas, are totally unqualified to build something other than a social hierarchy. Certainly not buildings. Actually, the hyenas would be a lot more funny. And perhaps sexy because Patrick Swaze, even then = NOT sexy.

Grade for the movie: C+
Would I recommend it to a friend? Totally because I hate my friends.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is that? Could it be? Yes. Yes, it IS a Darth Vader hot air balloon. If you're thinking "now, at long last, I can die a happy person", we are probably psychic twins who were separated at birth.

I Like, But I Don't Like

I'm ripping this off from a friend-of-a-friend's blog but they posted it so long ago that I don't feel bad. Plus, there's no such thing as originality anymore. It's buried and fossilized with the dinosaurs and stuff.

I like it when: People have different points of view
I don't like it when: People shout instead of listen

I like it when: Art makes me think harder about culture or life in general
I don't like it when: I have to draw something

I like it when: Friends are there for you
I don't like it when: I forget that

I like it when: I can bask in the sunshine, play in clean lakes and breathe fresh air
I don't like it when: People take nature for granted

I like it when: I drink wine
I don't like it when: I drink liquor directly after

I like it when: I think of something to blog about
I don't like it when: I can't articulate my thoughts

I like it when: I meet new and interesting people
I don't like it when: They wind up being super douchy

I like it when: I watch Lost every Wednesday with friends
I don't like it when: I lose consciousness because my heart is pumping too fast

I like it when: Music reminds me how special it is to be human
I don't like it when: Music reminds me how difficult it is to be human

I like it when: I discover something about myself of which I was previously unaware
I don't like it when: That discovery is a painful zit, you know, one of those really super deep ones that doesn't surface for like two days.

I like it when: Domestic animals are cared for and loved
I don't like it when: I see ones that aren't

I like it when: The news has something decent to report
I don't like it when: Something news-worthy is buried in 30 minutes of fluff

I like it when: I learn something new
I don't like it when: I have to use it for evil doings

I like it when: I play cribbage
I don't like it when: I double-skunk people. Except Chris.

I like it when: I wear my Chacos
I don't like it when: I have to smell them

I like it when: Humor is thoughtful
I don't like it when: People don't get my awesome jokes

I like it when: There are things to do at work
I don't like it when: I have to pretend like I'm doing something because my boss thinks any typing is good typing. Hence, this totally rad blog post.

I Have A New Template

Bask in the glory that is my new template!

(shaking fist) Baaaaaask iiiin iiiit!!

Abstinence Programs NOT working? WHA??

This is hilarious. Students who participate in abstinence programs during adolescence have little to no better success in abstaining (from, you know... SEX) a couple of years after "completion" of the program. This government-funded study found that they still have sex at 14 years 9 months (the average) and they have just as many partners. What? But how can $176 million (the amount our federal gov't spends on abstinence-until-marriage-education each year) not work? That's like SO much money!

After reading this story, one has to wonder: what's the point of abstinence education? I realize that it's just one study, albeit comprehensive. I just want to know what can you possibly tell kids beyond the fact that sex is risky; it can lead to babies and STDs. Abstinence is the only way to avoid these things. Period. How hard is that to understand? Coming from a middle schooler, it's not hard to understand. Actually, it's quite easy. The same principle is expressed when one says, "if you touch a hot burner, you'll hurt yourself". There are consequences to certain actions and any human who has made it to adolescence is well aware of that.

The problem, as I see it, lies in the approach to abstinence education. First, you're talking to middle schoolers (or younger). Speaking on behalf of the boys, they are people who for the most part can't absorb any warning of danger because they're too busy covering their boners. "Would you like to come up to the class and solve this math problem"? = "Show us that tent you made in your pants". Forget it. Besides, these adults are stupid to think their "fire and brimstone" approach to sex education will ward off promiscuous behavior. By vilifying sex, they make it something secret, something dangerous, in other words something young people gravitate towards.

I guess it shouldn't surprise me that loads of people still adhere to puritanical values concerning sex education. Of course it's difficult and weird to talk to a child about sex. But that's not their problem - it's ours. I've always found that children know a hell of a lot more than you think they do about everything (especially middle schoolers and especially about sex). The same parents who allow their kids to watch MTV will flip out when their kid comes home with a sex education pamphlet.

For a society that prides itself on accomplishment and progress, we certainly have a regressive approach to sex education. There is nothing wrong with being open and honest about sex and it's consequences. To think that there's a way to prevent children from experimenting only leads to further problems.

Here's another problem I have - abstinence only supporters claim that by speaking frankly to kids about sex makes them want to do it more. By handing out condoms, we're somehow enabling children to turn into horny zombies. Trust me, there is no way you could possibly make a middle school boy want sex any more than he already does. These supporters claim they are "protecting" their children. But how can you protect someone from something by telling them to just ignore the problem? There are actual ways to help - condoms, birth control, discussion, etc.

Well, I've been on my soapbox long enough. Use a condom, don't think it'll work 100% of the time and stay in school. Oh, and don't do white drugs.

Online Quiz Accurately Predicts Self

I took this "What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You" quiz and look what it had to say:

You Are a Fruitcake!

You taste like nothing else in this world. And get ready, you're about to get tossed!

What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?

Boobfest 2007, a.k.a. Grindhouse

Dudes. DUDES. "Planet Terror" of the Rodriguez/Tarantino, action-packed, boobie-laden, zombie-smashin' double feature is without a doubt, the best...movie...EVER. Okay, so maybe it's not the best movie EVER, but it's going to be one of my favorites for like, EVER. Woah. I'm going to see it again. I'm going to own it. I'm going to somehow find Rose McGowan and personally thank her for being so totally awesome.

"Death Proof" was not equally entertaining, for one and only one reason: Tarantino's dialogue was kind of interesting, but after such a fast-paced slasher flick, it kind of felt bogged down. Especially considering, a la Tarantino, there was a LOT of dialogue. That aside, it was super entertaining and Zoe Bell is probably the most badassest stunt woman I've ever seen. And I should know because I've made it my life's work to follow stunt people. Duh! Didn't you read the dissertation I wrote in my head?

The two movies will have you in the theater for 3+ hours but it doesn't matter. You'll be having way, waaaaayyyy too much fun to care. I hope Tarantino and Rodriguez will have a butt baby together. That makes movies. AWESOME movies.

Oh, Really?

Our VP, President Dick Cheney, accused Nancy Pelosi of "bad behavior" while on her trip to the middle east.

I accuse Dick Cheney of shooting somebody in the face.



Sorry, but I can't take seriously someone who labors under a party that denies his daughter basic protection from discrimination based on sexual orientation. But that's just me, the crazy gay thinkin' the crazy thoughts. But even if that weren't the case, since when did Cheney care so much about diplomatic relations? The next time Cheney wants to get his panties in a bunch because Pelosi made a diplomatic error, would somebody please remind him that he's supporting this war? What's the phrase? Don't throw rocks in a glass house?

Dinosaur Comics

If you don't already, visit Dinosaur Comics. This comic is one of my favorites. If you can't draw the parallels between this and real-life religious marketing, you probably can't draw anything at all. That includes stick people.

Uuuuurrrrgggghhhh

I boarded the bus at the end of a long day. It was 4:33 and the bus was to depart at 4:35. The bus that leaves on the 1/2 hour takes longer to get me home, so I just wanted to get on the road when at 4:34, an Abercrombie-clad, Bath & Body Works reeking, fried blond, fake-tanned moron walked up to the entrance to the bus. I was in the back but I'm positive the "Gardenia Blossom" attacking my nose wasn't coming from the middle-aged professor.

"Excuse me", she demanded of the driver, "wlahawt aolbi alkth apioybp?" I couldn't entirely make out what she was saying, suffice it to say she wanted to know something about the route or departing time. The bus driver answered her question. The clock turned 4:35. "Yeah, but alkno bpoiah the bus poiatn leave??", she continued. The bus driver motioned ahead and was apparently giving her directions. I could hear the tone in her voice become even more vapid and self-possessed. This time, I was absolutely clear on what she said. "WHERE? I'm just trying to get the right bus, OKAY?" My eyes narrowed. Out of her line of sight, I could make whatever face I wanted without feeling embarrassed. I went for "YOU'RE A STUPID SKANKY BITCH".

The clock turned 4:37. After answering many different questions to this idiot, the bus driver finally proclaimed, "there's a system map right over there, like I told you. I'm leaving now." Oh, so she had been told there was a system map and continued to ask questions?? I was livid. I blame the bus driver for not being more forceful when he could have been, but I was too enraged at this mommy-and-daddy suckling, jobless, trust fund whore to care. Okay, so maybe she doesn't have a trust fund.

We've all encountered these types before. Robin has a theory that young America has a self-esteem problem, but not in the way we usually think of it. I agree, in that the young people (especially those raised on MTV and the like) have way, waaayyyy too much self-esteem. They feel entitled to demand whatever they want from those they view as providing a service to them. In this case, it was the bus driver, but I've seen similar cases in restaurants where similar-looking space cadets walk right up to the host and demand, "So like, what kind of food doya serve here??" Glancing around one notices sombreros, frescoes of Mexican villages, ponchos and lots of green and red. The hostess answers, only to have the bitch retort, "So I can't, like, get a burger?"

These kids are everywhere on campus. One need only take a 30 second stroll down 13th to hear the distinct pitch of a self-indulgent, label-obsessed fetus whining for attention. I shouldn't let it get to me so much, but I can't help it. I need someone to blame. The parents for giving these idiots anything they want without making them work for anything? Absolutely. The media for helping turn a young mind into nothing more than a model consumer? Indeed. But mostly, I blame southern California.

Recap

I've been away on Spring Break this past week. Going into it, I had delusions of grandeur about how much thesis work I would get done. Or more precisely, I had delusions that I would do thesis work at all. Instead, I breathed deeply and let the relaxation fill my lungs with relaxing, um, air.

Robin, myself and a smattering of others went to the cabin for spring break. The six and eventually three of us had a wonderful time. The weather, contrary to several weather websites, was beautiful. The Oregon coast in spring is truly something to behold. The purple skies and menacing clouds on the horizon contrast a warm and beautiful day. The violent sea hurling waves upon the rocks and sand, a sign that somewhere in the distant horizon, a giant storm is wreaking havoc. Perhaps those clouds will rush in to soak the coastline and its inhabitants, or perhaps it will continue on, or maybe it will just fizzle out. You don't know with our weather in spring. We didn't do much venturing to other towns. Yachats suits us just fine and our cabin, well, let's just you couldn't be in a more perfect location.

We came back Tuesday around 1 in order to attend our friend's wedding on Wednesday. It was a small, intimate backyard ceremony. Plenty of food, dancing and revelry to go around. Robin was understandably exhausted after the coast trip and wanted to go home around 10:30. I was ignoring my discomfort and sleepiness, intent on staying up as late as I possibly could. And I did.

We were both tired and worn down by having entertained so much that Thursday became lazy and uneventful. Scott went home in the afternoon and Robin and I watched Star Trek: Voyager until bedtime. Friday, we awoke and did the same thing, only we did it all day. Saturday too. Oh, and Sunday. Basically, we're almost done with the series. I'm happy for that, because it's time to return to a more productive lifestyle, but sadly one that involves less of kitty falling asleep on my chest as I watch TV.