But... But Why?

In an early morning meeting, one of my coworkers used the phrase, "You can't have your cake and eat it too," speaking about an aspect of our user database. Being one that has on many occasions had this phrase directed at me, I understand the meaning. Another synonymous phrase would be, "You can't have it both ways." I went back to my office and began to think about the cake phrase and the more I thought about it, I kept arriving at the same conclusion: it sucks.

Let's start with the cake. Mmmm... delicious cake. My preferred cake is white with fruit filling [insert gay joke here]. I don't often eat cake, with the exception of mine and other people's birthdays. When I go to a local patisserie, my usual choice is something delightful and small, say a truffle or petite tart. That said, I don't turn down cake, in either the proverbial or literal sense.

Cake, in the phrase, is of course a metaphor. "Cake" refers to that which you want but cannot realistically have. In today's meeting, for instance, we wanted our database to perform in a certain way, but there was no realistic means to make this happen. The realistic piece being the money with which to pay a programmer. So there we sat, bitching about the extra steps in work we have to take, while in the same breath refusing the cost to make the necessary changes to assuage the aforementioned work.

So back to reality. Let's say you set a cake in front of me. Let's say it's not even my preferred white with fruit filling, but one that is nonetheless something I would devour in an instant (e.g. chocolate ganache). What kind of monster would give YOU a cake and then say you can't eat it? [Setting cake down], "You can have this, but you can't eat it. Ah ah ah! I said you can't eat it. But it is yours. I'm giving it to you." Now let's make it personal. Forget that someone bequeathed it unto you. You slaved away in your kitchen, carefully measuring ingredient after ingredient. The oven warms to bake a perfect sugary confection while you whisk together a cream cheese frosting befitting a queen. Then what? "Ah ah ah! You can't eat it." You know what? Fuck you. I baked this cake.

If you hadn't picked up on it, the crux of my frustration is the possessive "your" in the phrase. If it's MY cake, I can do with it as I please. I can eat it. I can lick it. I can serve it to my imaginary friends. I can throw it in your face. I am willing to bend the literal collection of words to make phrases work ("don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!,"... uh... OK). But there is no metaphoric use of your. It's yours. Or mine. You gave it to me, or I created it myself, in either case... MINE.

I submit to you that we throw the baby AND the bathwater out when it comes to, "You can't have your cake and eat it too." Because you know what? If you get between me and my cake, something is getting torn off and I don't mean that in the figurative sense.