Whatever Lady
All people have a switch in their brain that functions as a safety precaution to guard one's speech from coming across as, what's the phrase...bitchy as hell. Located at the base of your Globular Hippocampatic Semi-Permeable Membrane, this switch is sometimes missed because the speaker either cannot access it or has the mental capacity of Paris Hilton's butt baby that rolled in toxic waste (true story).
I was walking into a closed office today in order to retrieve some files. Upon opening the door, walking towards the entrance was one of my semi-coworkers ("semi" because she works in another area entirely, but "coworker" because I still have to deal with her crap). Because the people in that office were attending a meeting, I wasn't expecting to find another human being (or in her case, Soul Harvester) on the other side. I jumped. She squealed with delight, saying something I couldn't/didn't want to hear because I had my ipod going. Instead of doing the polite thing and flipping the switch in her brain, she looked at my ipod and said something. Taking out my earphones, her sentence ended with, "...because they can cause accidents!" Bitch I know you wasn't talking about my ipod!! But she was. I asked, "I'm sorry, did you say ipods can cause accidents?" She put on her pretend-worry look and continued, "Oh sure. You walk around paying no attention to your surroundings and see what happens? Those are just another way to not deal with your surroundings." I was truly shocked. My face must have given me away because she added, "What? You don't believe me?" I paused for a moment and fantisized the Shuffle leaping from my lapel and smashing her head into the wall. It could if it wanted to. I glanced down with an encouraging look on my face (DO IT), but it stayed motionless.
"I guess I don't understand. How does my ipod make me less aware of my surroundings?" There is probably some scientific explanation for this, one similar to my brain-switch example, but I don't know what it would be. Assuming she would know and was about to tell me, I was quickly proven wrong when she said, "Because the energy of your field of attention is limited when you're disengaged from the world". Energy of my field of attention? And then it clicked. I was face-to-face with a hippie douche, and one that would probably try to harvest my soul. I don't mind hippies, but I do mind douchy hippies, like I mind douchy anybodys. I said, "the fact that I was startled that you surprised me after walking into an office I thought was empty doesn't mean I was disengaged from the world". Her eyes reddened. I've seen this one in action before. Right before she harvests your soul, her eyes redden, her nails grow long and her teeth extend to display a glistening array of blood-tainted spikes. KALI MAAAAAHHH!!
I stared her down, completely unafraid of what she may try to do. She probably sensed as much, but I'm gay; no soul to harvest here. Not up to the challenge of fucking with one who is basically the right hand of Satan, she muttered something under her breath and walked away. What, you didn't know about us gays being the collective embodiment of all evil? Seriously? Wow, get thee to a church.
Anyway, I have never liked this one because I've always had to remind her not to be so douchey to me. By way of my looks or complete avoidance, she gets the message (if she were walking towards me on the same side of the street, I would find some trash, throw it at her and cross to the other side). But something I did today really must have gotten to her. She really wanted to convince me about the "energy of my field" of some bullshit. Coming back into the chart room, she was hunting for delicious babies when I said, "oh hey, (name)". Turning to me, she said, "it's nice to see you without those headphones!". I thought of all the five minutes total I've interacted with this lady over the past 7 months of working here and said, "yeah, I'm trying to engage my field of energy". She was pissed. SUPER pissed. She went to my boss and tattled on me.
Going into my boss's office, she sat me down and said, "I hear you and (name) are having some sort of disagreement?" I was befuddled. This dumb lady (not my boss, the other one) walks around every day pushing her opinions on everyone, harvesting souls and eating babies. How could I possibly offend her for throwing her hippie bullshit back in her face? I explained to my boss the "energetic field attention" crap and my boss immediately laughed. "Oh, she gave you that one, huh? I got it once too." Relieved that my boss wasn't taking this lady seriously, but still worried I was in trouble, I asked, "am I in trouble?" My boss smiled and told me to finish my work, that I was in no trouble at all and could I please interrupt the lady to go back and speak with her. My boss being basically the left hand of Satan, this lady was in for a rude awakening. I'm off for the weekend, got some soul harvesting of my own to catch up on.
I was walking into a closed office today in order to retrieve some files. Upon opening the door, walking towards the entrance was one of my semi-coworkers ("semi" because she works in another area entirely, but "coworker" because I still have to deal with her crap). Because the people in that office were attending a meeting, I wasn't expecting to find another human being (or in her case, Soul Harvester) on the other side. I jumped. She squealed with delight, saying something I couldn't/didn't want to hear because I had my ipod going. Instead of doing the polite thing and flipping the switch in her brain, she looked at my ipod and said something. Taking out my earphones, her sentence ended with, "...because they can cause accidents!" Bitch I know you wasn't talking about my ipod!! But she was. I asked, "I'm sorry, did you say ipods can cause accidents?" She put on her pretend-worry look and continued, "Oh sure. You walk around paying no attention to your surroundings and see what happens? Those are just another way to not deal with your surroundings." I was truly shocked. My face must have given me away because she added, "What? You don't believe me?" I paused for a moment and fantisized the Shuffle leaping from my lapel and smashing her head into the wall. It could if it wanted to. I glanced down with an encouraging look on my face (DO IT), but it stayed motionless.
"I guess I don't understand. How does my ipod make me less aware of my surroundings?" There is probably some scientific explanation for this, one similar to my brain-switch example, but I don't know what it would be. Assuming she would know and was about to tell me, I was quickly proven wrong when she said, "Because the energy of your field of attention is limited when you're disengaged from the world". Energy of my field of attention? And then it clicked. I was face-to-face with a hippie douche, and one that would probably try to harvest my soul. I don't mind hippies, but I do mind douchy hippies, like I mind douchy anybodys. I said, "the fact that I was startled that you surprised me after walking into an office I thought was empty doesn't mean I was disengaged from the world". Her eyes reddened. I've seen this one in action before. Right before she harvests your soul, her eyes redden, her nails grow long and her teeth extend to display a glistening array of blood-tainted spikes. KALI MAAAAAHHH!!
I stared her down, completely unafraid of what she may try to do. She probably sensed as much, but I'm gay; no soul to harvest here. Not up to the challenge of fucking with one who is basically the right hand of Satan, she muttered something under her breath and walked away. What, you didn't know about us gays being the collective embodiment of all evil? Seriously? Wow, get thee to a church.
Anyway, I have never liked this one because I've always had to remind her not to be so douchey to me. By way of my looks or complete avoidance, she gets the message (if she were walking towards me on the same side of the street, I would find some trash, throw it at her and cross to the other side). But something I did today really must have gotten to her. She really wanted to convince me about the "energy of my field" of some bullshit. Coming back into the chart room, she was hunting for delicious babies when I said, "oh hey, (name)". Turning to me, she said, "it's nice to see you without those headphones!". I thought of all the five minutes total I've interacted with this lady over the past 7 months of working here and said, "yeah, I'm trying to engage my field of energy". She was pissed. SUPER pissed. She went to my boss and tattled on me.
Going into my boss's office, she sat me down and said, "I hear you and (name) are having some sort of disagreement?" I was befuddled. This dumb lady (not my boss, the other one) walks around every day pushing her opinions on everyone, harvesting souls and eating babies. How could I possibly offend her for throwing her hippie bullshit back in her face? I explained to my boss the "energetic field attention" crap and my boss immediately laughed. "Oh, she gave you that one, huh? I got it once too." Relieved that my boss wasn't taking this lady seriously, but still worried I was in trouble, I asked, "am I in trouble?" My boss smiled and told me to finish my work, that I was in no trouble at all and could I please interrupt the lady to go back and speak with her. My boss being basically the left hand of Satan, this lady was in for a rude awakening. I'm off for the weekend, got some soul harvesting of my own to catch up on.
posted by Infused Confusion at
11:53 AM
1 Comments:
Did she have Kombucha in an intravenous unit hooked to her arm and ear candles burning in both ears? Usually I don't mind hippies, but they really piss me off when they get all preachy and self-righteous.
I can see how listening through earphones would block your ability to use your ears to gauge your surroundings. But that's really as far as it goes. it's all a matter of focus, not "field energy." Goddamn hippies.
By
Mr. Burns, At
1:31 PM
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