Morning News Gets -20,602,543,107,498 Points

Every morning, I give myself plenty of time to wake up because I'm not a morning person. I am *technically* awake, but most of my higher brain functions are still fast asleep. In order to shock my system back to life, I make breakfast and catch the developing news stories of the day and updates of previous news stories. I used to be addicted to the Today Show, until I realized that it was nothing but drivel. I comforted myself by the fact that it wasn't news; I just wanted something to watch and other such excuses. It quickly became tiresome. However, I was consistently amazed how many feminine beauty products are rolled out each and every mother fucking day ("next up, how to look good for 'yer man!"). Shoot me. A few weeks ago, I could no longer stand the Today Show's pathetic attempts at "educating" me regarding issues like car safety, homemaking and other super important stuff. Knowing full well that a higher channel number on cable means better programming (more = greater than = better = duh), I searched CNN, MSNBC et al for meaningful news. Surely one of them would have something interesting to say about my world. Surely ONE of them must surely at least TRY to give me an ounce of developing news? Right? RIIIIIIIGGGHHHHTTT????

Naively anticipating something fresh, I turn each day to MSNBC. I was and am greeted at that time in the morning with the same situation: two pretty ladies with pretty voices who banter back and forth about the "worst weather in America for today" segment. I don't care about Duluth Minnesota. Strike one. The camera then pans to one of the pretties and she gets a super serious look on her face, like something super tragic had just happened. Her super duper serious face was intended not for the tasty news morsel that I had hoped for, rather, it was for the super serious Anna Nicole Smith trial. Again, to remind you, this monotany has continued for the past (at least) two weeks.

By way of her super serious voice, she briefly recounted the morning's super serious proceedings... but there hadn't been any proceedings. She noted that nothing had changed since the last proceedings, her speech highlited by a scrolling bar at the bottom which was giving opinion polls regarding these and other super important issues. In fact, the judge had called an hour recess, which was "almost over with" according to the pretty. It had 45 minutes to go, yet she kept insisting they'd have some breaking news ANY time now. Cleverly disguised as an impending super serious development, her desparate ploy to retain viewers wasn't fooling me. With nothing to say, they did what any good news network would do. Instead of going back to the studio, they had a "trial expert" in the Bahamas, on camera, waiting to tell us super serious information. Information like, how Dannilynn (Anna's daughter) is still there and is still there. She's still totally there which is like totally good. No babies stolen today. How Howard K. Stern is super pissed. How that other guy and the other one still want a paternity test. After ten minutes of this, I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror. The absolute disgust welling inside my gut had made its way to my face, where my mouth was open, my eyes were throwing daggers at the screen and my forehead was crinkled with disbelief. Then after realizing that I had been waiting for ten minutes to have something else news-worthy happen, the disgust motivated me to change the channel. CNN was doing the same story. So was Fox. So was every other news channel; all waiting on some new piece of flesh from the Anna Nicole Smith trial, all circling like insaciable vultures. Studio to Bahamas to "experts" in New York to Bahamas and back to Studio again, I couldn't believe they could talk so long about the fact that there's nothing to talk about. Going back to MSNBC, confident that by then (15 minutes later), they must have switched topics, they were instead interviewing two trial-attorneys regarding the Smith case, who had super different points of view. I super lost interest.

For all those news companies who (don't) read my blog, I say this unto you in the words of my great-grandmother: Go fuck yourself. Okay maybe she didn't say that but she would have if she were watching the same news story. To my Anonymous Reporter friend: I don't know how you cope with this kind of bullshit. If THIS is what the well-funded, NATIONAL stations are broadcasting, I cannot even imagine the impulse to throw your hands in the air and say, "fuck it, dude". Your testicular fortitude must be great indeed.