A New Year's Message

After ringing in the New Year with uproarious shenanegans, it is time I take stock of where 2006 went and what 2007 holds in store for me. Though I don't pretend to know what the New Year will bring (aside from completing my thesis and graduating), I do know that much can be gained from focusing on one's character and making tough changes.

It is my first day back at work today after a well-deserved week off. I usually have my ipod to drown out the noisy office, but I left it at home and was therefore subject to the low rumble of a busy staff. Working in a medical office brings me in touch with many different people from many different back rounds and lifestyles. Working with children and their parents is even more interesting, as I see the moms and dads dealing with the extreme duress of an impatient toddler. At the same time, I see the children coached, scolded, punished and sometimes hit for their misbehavior. I've learned to turn a careful ear to such behavior on the part of the parents, as the child's self-image is in full development. In listening to such interactions, I also learn a piece of how the parent thinks speaking to children should be carried out. Are they mean? Are they funny? Are they just exasperated at their 3-year old? While I know the snippets of conversation I pick up are far from concrete representations of the parent's character, I feel that in certain circumstances, my intuition is right on the money.

The office across the hall from mine was ripe with parental anger. The child, probably no more than 4 years old, was crying uncontrollably. She had not been seen quite yet, so I know the crying was not from the prick of a needle or a cold stethoscope (you'd be surprised the number of kids that cry from stethoscopes). The mother I could not see, but I would place her in her early 20s. "Shut up", she hissed at the toddler, "I said SHUT UP". I am used to hearing such phrases from parents, but there was a menacing tone behind it, one I'm sure the child had heard many times before. She continued, "do you see how mad you're making me? Do you see that when you cry you make mommy like this? Do you see how I have to talk to you? I don't want to talk to you like this, but you make it so I have to!" All of this was bolstered by other such phrases thrown in for flavoring. She was refusing to ask the child what was wrong, she was refusing to care, she was refusing to love, I thought. Then I centered myself. How rude of it is for me to make such judgments? How can I sit across the hall while she murmurs such things under her breath and think I've got her and her relationship with her child figured out to even the smallest degree? Then I heard her say, "mommy can't love you when you cry like this. Is that what you want? Do you want mommy to stop loving you??"

I nearly fell apart. I rushed to the bathroom and pretended not to cry in the stall. I held my face tight and let the tears gush down my cheeks. This is how my new year is going to begin?, I thought. After calming myself, I took a long walk back to my office to ponder what had just happened. I was crying for that child. I was overcome with grief that his mother would continue to speak to her in such a manner, long after the office visit was complete. This was exactly what I needed to hear and feel at the start of my new year. I needed to hear, if even on a small scale, the hatred that people hold and how it is manifested through their interactions with others. I needed to hear that though we think we are not emotionally or psychologically damaging to ourselves or others, we certainly are at times. What I need this new year is to be present with myself. I need to deal with each day as it comes, to love each friend as they deserve and to let go of old habits that should have been long gone. I wish for each of you a happy and healthy year, to have fun and most of all, love one another.