Did I Say That Outloud?

I know we've all had this experience. You know, the one in which you opened your mouth only to have an errant thought fumble out that you didn't necessarily want others to hear?

It was a tired morning. Though I had already risen from my warm cocoon of blankets, taken a shower, walked to the bus and worked on a Sudoku puzzle, I needed some coffee. Standing in line at the Bookstore coffee shop awaiting my turn, I glanced down to see the girl in front of me with a "Tab Energy" drink on the counter.

I had never tasted Tab before this year when one was given to me at Eric and Chandra's house. Eric informed me that it was an all-together nasty experience to drink the Tab, that severe convulsions would follow and drinking the whole thing would probably result in death by Saccharine-overdose. As exaggerated as that may sound, after tasting the Tab and blacking out for three solid minutes, I could understand what he was talking about.

I don't know how Tab became popular, but I do understand why it was resurrected from the dead to bring us an energy drink (CAUTION: Contents under pressure and influence of poison. Do not puncture. Do not ingest. If ingested, consult physician immediately). There is a little-known part of the bible in which Peter predicted a drink that could end the world. Though the images were difficult to comprehend, scholars have finally de-crypted his hallucination. That's right folks - it's a fuckin' Tab energy drink.

Not convinced? Allow me to elaborate further. Think to yourself, what is a Tab? A Tab is something used to mark a category of something. In the office environment, Tabs are used constantly as a way to quickly find a set of files or documents one needs. In the case of Tab soda/energy drink, the mark is that of the beast and the document/file is an executable that will allow the Gates of Hell to open, brining an unholy reign of demonic minions. Still not convinced? That's not a spider you're brushing from your neck, it's a pitchfork.

The girl in front of me patiently waited to have her Visa go through. I pondered how scary her life was about to become. I thought of all the things she wouldn't be able to do anymore. I thought of her family, helpless to stop her from certain demonic posession. I thought of all her friends who also drank Tab energy drink and the Army of Hell that would welcome them with twisted, mutant arms. I then said quite audibly, "That drink'll kill 'ya".

"What?", she asked as she cast her beautifully innocent eyes towards me. I was helpless to tell her of the prophecy as the barista was asking for my order. "Large coffee", I quickly said to him. I turned to grab the Tab energy drink from her grasp, to save her from annihilation, to save the world from destruction. I was too late. She had already disappeard into the crowd, or so I thought. No, she had disappeared all right, but not into a dimension I have the power to traverse... yet...