Yikes

I was sitting at work today and again it was slow. We've had several patients lately, but the doctors seem to be taking their time getting reports together. After finishing some menial tasks in the chart room, I was left with little to do and even less ahead of me.

I was standing in the main office putting several reports into the outgoing mail bin. I noticed that one of them was not fully closed and as I held it to my moistened tongue, there came an abrupt, "Patrick, STOP." The voice was coming from my boss and when I turned to face her, she had a little grin on her face. "Always use the envelope roller," she ordered. For those of you who aren't familiar with an envelope roller, it's one of those things that wets the sealant on an envelope. I have one in my office and use it often, but this envelope only had 1/3 of it that wasn't sealing. I was puzzled and stated, "But it's only got a little left to seal." Her grin remained and she said, "Then take out the letter and get a new envelope. I'll tell you why this is so important."

My boss is one of those who has worked in the office for umpteen years, but before that, she worked at the Emporium's corporate office. The Emporium is now a defunct department store, bankrupt by upper-level bickering and other conflicts. She worked in the accounting department. There was a time when employers did not have to provide employees with envelope sealers and made them lick all the envelopes of a 500-letter mailing individually. I wasn't alive in 1563, so I don't know what that must have been like, but I imagine it sucked real bad.

One of her co-workers was half-way through her stack of mailings when my boss heard a scream. My boss jumped up to see that her co-worker had quite literally sliced off 3/4 of an inch of her tongue and was clutching her face, hysterical and vomiting from the pain (soon after she passed out). After a considerable time spent in the hospital and therapy, she sued the Emporium and won a lot of cash. It was henceforth forbidden to approach any piece of paper with one's tongue and my boss holds this memory close as a reminder of what can happen if you get too friendly with an envelope.

My tongue cringed and trembled inside my mouth; I was unable to speak other than let out a sympathy moan. "Oh my god" I finally uttered. "Yep", she said still grinning, "so please just use your sealer from now on."