Around I Go

I was having extreme difficulty falling asleep last night. My thoughts were plagued by many things, not the least of which was a sincere view of my naked, inner self. I spoke for awhile with Robin about it. I told him that I felt like the kind of person who only learns after crashing and burning. Of course, most people learn this way (by making mistakes), but it seems to be part of my core self. Nothing happened yesterday or the day before to illicit this reaction. However, I couldn't help but focus on my failures. Then I coped by remembering that everyone has failures - lots of them - and we have the ability to learn from them and grow as individuals. Then I looked at what growth means and if I had grown. I didn't feel like I had, but then again, I had my Mr. Mopey hat on.

"Just slow down" is what Robin advised. It's a wonderful thing to have one know you so well that they know exactly what to tell you when the going gets uncomfortable. He's right. I do need to slow down. I don't need to be the first to talk, the first to answer a question, the first to crack a joke. The disharmony I feel isn't because of some external force I am reacting to, I am reacting from myself. It's too easy to make false changes in one's behavior. Some things will change immediately, but I feel that I have a slow change coming on. Something gnaws at my conscious and won't be something I can shake. But like my mom says, "things that hurt are often the most important you can pay attention to".

On my way to work this morning, my thoughts were focused on the upcoming term. How much reading will I have? How much will I get done on my thesis? Am I prepared for this year? I started to get annoyed at the prospect of so much work ahead. My thoughts quickened to a frenzy and soon I was racked by anxiety. Robin's words came to me as if he were whispering in my ear - "just slow down". I wasn't all together placated by this sensation, but I did take a deep breath. Upon exhaling, I felt my world suspend if only for a moment. I felt school as a gift so many do not have access to. I felt the security of a job and roof over my head. I felt the weight of being me, being human, being conscious. I felt an aspect of reality I should access more.

I must enjoy this year. I must enjoy the classes I take, the conversations I have, the graduation in June. I must because if I do not, the frenzy will continue, my life will speed along and I will be left somewhere behind, wondering why I'm moving so fast.