You're A Dirty Little Keyboard...

April and I got into a very profound conversation about the inherent sexiness that is your computer keyboard. It looks pretty benign, right? I mean, it's just there to serve a function. You type commands and your CPU responds accordingly, right? No. Your keyboard is much more than that. It is, purely and simply, a sex-laden collection of commands that await your every fantasy. Allow me to elaborate.

We'll start with the painfully obvious. Look at the letters "S," "E," and "X." Notice anything in particular? Maybe that they're right next each other? It's not a coincidence. A little history lesson: The first keyboard layouts were designed for typewriters. As many grandparents know, if you type too fast on a typewriter, the metal letter thingys leap together and become entangled. Olde tyme mechanics couldn't account for the blindingly fast human fingers. Therefore, they redesigned a layout that would restrict us from typing too fast. This effectively stopped the metal letter thingys in our modern computers from leaping together and slowing down the already slow enough CPU. It's no small coincidence that the person in charge of the modern letter layout was none other than Mike "Show Me Your Privates" Evanston. Mike, or "that disgusting pervert" as his friends called him, submitted many designs to the Congressional Committee for Letter Reassignment. They debated long and hard over the final layout. The one eventually chosen barely beat a design of which the Committee Chair, Senator Octavius McGrabbypants, was particularly fond. For those easily offended, just be glad the home row isn't VAGP-ENIS.

Of course, the highly factual account above only accounts for letters. Much more was to be added in the coming years by a group of socially awkward, cave-dwelling, horny men, or as they are more commonly known, nerds.

Despite what modern historians may tell you about the evolution of the keyboard, it had much less to do with functional computer language than it did sexual acts and how they could be "watered down" for the public. Does this * look like anything in particular? But wait, it's just an asterisk, right? Yes, that is correct - an ASSterisk. All they did was take away one simple letter and the general public went unaware as to the true nature of the ASSterisk. Go ahead - keep making bullet points and footnotes with it. All I can see is tiny puckers littering your document. And another thing - just how does one type an ASSterisk? Well, it's not by a simple press of the 8 button, now is it? No. One must SHIFT their way to the ASSterisk. Shift it to the left, perhaps? Or maybe the right? Well look at that - you're covered on both sides, aren't you?

The arrow keys may look innocent enough, but think of them in relation to where the "cursor" is on the "screen." I know that when I want the "cursor" to move up, I need only hit the up arrow. But wait, I changed my mind. Now I want it to go back down. Now up. Now down again. Would you like the "cursor" to go right? Left? Yeah - those "directional arrows" aren't so innocent now, are they?

Below the SHIFT keys are two other keys designed by a panel of dominatrices. They are, as I'm sure you are now seeing for yourself, the "Control" buttons. For those of you who have ever worked on Word or Excel documents, you know the value in keyboard shortcuts. By holding "Ctrl" and pressing "C," you copy a selected area. By then moving to another section and holding "Ctrl" while pressing "V," your copied data is then pasted. Do you think it's any coincidence that the CONTROL button is used so violently? It can shortcut the tedious point and click mouse interface and force a desired function. It controls the keyboard and reduces the letter "C," "V," "P" and a host of others to mere puppets of its will. Can you hear the whips cracking?

Are you into dressing up? Do you like to change your look? Why not use the "Alt" keys? If you and your partner like role-playing, this function is absolutely necessary and I am no doubt telling you what you already know. If you're looking for a little spice in the boudoir, look no farther than your keyboard and explore what the Alt keys can do for you.

You must be wondering why I haven't touched on perhaps the most glaring examples of the modern sexual keyboard. One is a simple invitation: Enter; The other is a command: Insert. Together, the Enter and Insert buttons have sustained vibrant sexual lives since the dawn of time, possibly before. But once a relationship has reached the point where Enter and Insert by themselves have become routine, the couple must branch out and use more of the keyboard functions. The possibilities are limitless!

My account is by no means exhaustive. This is just a taste of what a modern keyboard has in store for you... sexually. I encourage you to take some time and reacquaint yourself with it. If you wind up disappointed, you have only yourself to blame.

Things

Last weekend was off the hook. My dear friend from middle school is back from her Peace Corps tour of doody. We spent the weekend eating delicious food, visiting the Deschutes Brewery, and generally trying to stay warm in the freezing Redmond weather. In Peace Corps, she was stationed in Guatemala and I could go on and on about how amazing she is, how her service did so much for her community and how no matter what, she always kicks ass. Allow me to convince you: she decided to apply for the graduate teaching program at Columbia University. She really only liked that program so it was the only one she applied for. Her acceptance letter came a couple of weeks ago.

We're hosting Lost this week. People are coming over for tasty burgers, socializing and drinking. Robin and I were excited not only because our friends are pretty cool for the most part, but also because the impending party gave us the impetus to finish painting the downstairs! Woo hoo!

It's Administrative Professionals Day tomorrow. When I got back from lunch today, my boss was standing near my office and had a smirk on her face. She told me I was in big trouble. "Oh yeah?," I asked smiling. "Yep," she continued, "You have to decide what restaurant you would like to eat at this week." I immediately chose El Vaquero. Then, as if lunch at EV wasn't good enough, she said, "And don't come in tomorrow. We don't want you here." I laughed, "Oh, right. As if I enjoy coming to work." But she wasn't kidding. They gave me the day off - paid.

Our friend John stayed with us last night. He's back from Hawaii and will be staying in Oregon until next month when he flies to Ireland to work for the summer. It turns out that Paul Newman is one busy ass rich dude and sets up nature camps all over the world for kids recovering from cancer. So John is off to teach these kids about nature and their impact upon it. Why can't Paul Newman have a camp for people who are me and my friends?

This coming weekend will be an exciting move for our dearest "friend" Evan (whoops! How did those scare quotes get in there?). His new appointment as the Regent Executive Chancelloric Provost of Public Relations has him working in Corvallis. Some of you may remember, but our dear Evan was recently stationed in a tiny, distant coastal town for his previous employer. I'm only guessing, but the thought of living far away from friends and family in another small community (Corvallis, sure, but still small) didn't sit all that well. So he's moving to Eugene! We're helping him move his thousands of extremely valuable and irreplaceable personal items. No seriously, you should see this guy's fabergé egg collection. Oh, and to make Evan that much more intimidating (as if the fabergé eggs weren't enough!), he's buying a motorcycle. That means he'll soon be kicking peoples faces on the side of their face while riding his motorcycle!

WebMD Says I Have Lymphoma!!!

I was bored during a morning break, so I decided to check out WebMD. I know plenty of people who have described its hypochondriac-inducing tendencies; why not give it a whirl? The first page is absolutely covered in crap and after uncrossing my eyes several times, I became focused on the box called Symptom Checker.

The Symptom Checker is an interactive picture of the human body. By holding the mouse over a certain area, you are shown a litany of possible aches, pains, protrusions or other items to further describe what ails you. I clicked on the upper chest. Under possible symptoms, I selected cough.

WebMD asked me what kind of cough it is. Then it asked several more cough-related questions and I answered as though I have a common cold (which, coincidentally, I do). When the questions are over, WebMD gives you a list of possible ailments. After four questions of giving answers to describe the common cold, this is what it gave me:

Common cold
Bronchitis
Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease
Aortic aneurysm
Viral pharyngitis
Chronic sinusitis
Bronchial adenoma
Cryptococcosis
Asbestosis

Part of the problem is the fact that medical terminology sounds so damn scary. Viral pharyngitis? Are you kidding me? Why can't they just call it "Hurty Chest Disease?" Viral pharyngitis makes it sound like my body is being ravaged by a government-created bio weapon that will dissolve my lungs from the inside out!

Another problem: all of these horrific viruses/bacterial infections/diseases are included under the caption Conditions Associated With the Selected Symptoms. There is no partitioning of ones that have more in common with your answers than others. Because there is no such division, it looks visually like you could have the common cold or maybe Asbestosis; WebMD can't be sure. Asbestosis! What?? And I've heard of an aortic aneurysm, but after describing common cold symptoms, what in the hell does your heart exploding have to do with the common cold?

My pulse quickened. What if I do have Cryptococcosis? What if it's a combination of Chronic sinusitis and Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease?? I mean, WebMD says I have the symptoms of those two. Can they work together to kill me? Would they work together to kill me? Yes. They are viruses and diseases; most certainly they would enter a pact to destroy me. That's it. I'm going to my doctor. I'm telling her that I need all the medication necessary to fight the Common Cold, Bronchitis, Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, an Aortic aneurysm, Viral pharyngitis, Chronic sinusitis, Bronchial adenoma, Cryptococcosis and Asbestosis. Ha ha ha! Game on, diseases! Game on!!

It's Here!

It took the board months to settle on a packaging design for the OK queer aid. I'm also relieved that they decided on mint. The other options were catty, diva, and those shoes don't go with that belt, and I was all, "You guys, those aren't even flavors!" I'm glad they took my critique seriously.

The full medical benefits of the OK Queer Aid have not yet been released, but I can give you an insider's scoop! The deluxe package comes with heightened snarkiness and the ability to sense paisley through three layers of clothing. Get yours today!

Kristen Wiig

For a long time now I have secretly admired Kristen Wiig. Below is just one of the many reasons (oh yeah, and she's Sue in the sketch):

The Fridge

With the returned deposit from our last rental (EVER!), Robin and I set out to buy a new fridge. The fridge that came with our house had one saving grace - it worked. Other than that, it was very old, very loud, and was basically on all the time. No seriously, it was always clunking and whirring; talk about a power suck.

It turned out that Costco had a Samsung fridge on sale. Scratch that - they were practically giving it away. I was at first apprehensive, because I didn't know Samsung had made a foray into refrigeration. I thought they were still stuck on HDTVs and mobile phones. Turns out, like their LG competitors, they make everything. If it has a circuit board, Samsung built a device around it. Even better is the fact that the fridge came with rave customer reviews; Robin researched the heck out of it. With a little help from our friends, we got it home and into the garage safely and soundly. That was on Sunday.

For those of you that don't know, Robin is a gentleman of quick wit, jolly spirit, and determination. He wanted to put the new fridge in right away, but after a bit of wise counsel (read: protest) on my part, we decided to wait for more help rather than move the two fridges around. Each day after Sunday, I could see the tension welling inside him. Robin was losing control over the fact that we had a gorgeous, way-better fridge just sitting in our garage not being used. It was positively burning him each time he opened the old fridge that rather than smell the musty odor of 70s plastic, he could be bathing in the cool glow of Samsung's brightest new star. Yesterday was when the pot boiled over.

If you think I'm about to air some dirty laundry here, I assure you I am not. Believe me, I was just as irritated as Robin was, but being a man of determination (remember?), Robin had set his mind on the new fridge and was not going to let a little thing like "not enough people to move the fridge" get in his way. So last night, we called one of our bestest friends Evan to help with the fridge ordeal. Evan would be awhile because he had to nourish his body (interpret as you will), so Robin and I were left sitting with the impending new fridge just meters away.

As I made dinner, Robin busily packed the contents of the freezer and fridge into our new cooler (thanks, REI dividends!). Now empty, Robin and I wrangled the old fridge a few feet forward and learned that though we could not pick it up, we could shuffle it around without scratching the floor. Robin pushed it against the sink counter and with a gaping hole where a fridge should be, his taste for blood was pure and insatiable. "Okay, let's go," he said to me and I knew at this point, protest would be pointless. Robin was going to lift the new fridge by himself if nobody else would. Ah, who am I kidding? I wanted it as much as him.

We took off the downstairs door to accommodate the new fridge in its packaging. Tilting it forward, we soon realized that we could actually lift it ourselves for a brief moment. This is in stark contrast to the old fridge which I'm relatively certain is made of solid titanium, cast iron, and tungsten. With the new fridge in position at the base of the staircase, I took the bottom as Robin worked the top (OF THE FRIDGE, YOU SICKOS). It was, in a word, arduous. I already went to the gym that day and blasted my upper body, so this was added punishment I was not ready for. At one point, I honestly thought the fridge was going to crush me and in fact envisioned the scenario. I had to shake the thought of what it would feel like to be crushed by a refrigerator in favor of more pleasant imagery, you know, like living. We worked it up the stairs one at a time... thunk... thunk... thunk... THUNK! After a few minutes of straining and pulling, it proudly sat at the top of our stairs, waiting to be unsheathed and released upon our foodstuffs!

As comedic timing would have it, just as we plunked the Samsung onto the top step, Evan walked through the front door and said, "Hey guys, need any help?" We laughed for a brief moment before maneuvering the new fridge into place, glaring at the old one as we passed by. I went to the liquor store for a bottle of Maker's Mark during a much needed break. Dudes - liquor (especially bourbon) is the best reward.

Upon returning from the Land of Liquid Happiness ("technically," the 29th Street Liquor Store), I came in to find that Evan and Robin had pushed the old fridge into place at the top of the stairs. We were so close! I could see it in Robin's expression. Blood had rushed to his face as he knew glory was about to be ours! No time for chit-chat! Let's do this thang! This will probably come as a huge surprise, but taking a fridge downstairs is a lot easier than carrying it upstairs. Though ridiculously heavy, we got the old fridge downstairs and into the garage in no time.

We put the downstairs door back on and walked upstairs to our beautiful new Prince of Refrigeration, the Samsung RB215LASH, resplendently poised with its platinum finish. Ahhhhhh.... glorious!

All we have to do now is take out the cabinets above so it can actually fit!