WebMD Says I Have Lymphoma!!!
I was bored during a morning break, so I decided to check out WebMD. I know plenty of people who have described its hypochondriac-inducing tendencies; why not give it a whirl? The first page is absolutely covered in crap and after uncrossing my eyes several times, I became focused on the box called Symptom Checker.
The Symptom Checker is an interactive picture of the human body. By holding the mouse over a certain area, you are shown a litany of possible aches, pains, protrusions or other items to further describe what ails you. I clicked on the upper chest. Under possible symptoms, I selected cough.
WebMD asked me what kind of cough it is. Then it asked several more cough-related questions and I answered as though I have a common cold (which, coincidentally, I do). When the questions are over, WebMD gives you a list of possible ailments. After four questions of giving answers to describe the common cold, this is what it gave me:
Common cold
Bronchitis
Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease
Aortic aneurysm
Viral pharyngitis
Chronic sinusitis
Bronchial adenoma
Cryptococcosis
Asbestosis
Part of the problem is the fact that medical terminology sounds so damn scary. Viral pharyngitis? Are you kidding me? Why can't they just call it "Hurty Chest Disease?" Viral pharyngitis makes it sound like my body is being ravaged by a government-created bio weapon that will dissolve my lungs from the inside out!
Another problem: all of these horrific viruses/bacterial infections/diseases are included under the caption Conditions Associated With the Selected Symptoms. There is no partitioning of ones that have more in common with your answers than others. Because there is no such division, it looks visually like you could have the common cold or maybe Asbestosis; WebMD can't be sure. Asbestosis! What?? And I've heard of an aortic aneurysm, but after describing common cold symptoms, what in the hell does your heart exploding have to do with the common cold?
My pulse quickened. What if I do have Cryptococcosis? What if it's a combination of Chronic sinusitis and Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease?? I mean, WebMD says I have the symptoms of those two. Can they work together to kill me? Would they work together to kill me? Yes. They are viruses and diseases; most certainly they would enter a pact to destroy me. That's it. I'm going to my doctor. I'm telling her that I need all the medication necessary to fight the Common Cold, Bronchitis, Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, an Aortic aneurysm, Viral pharyngitis, Chronic sinusitis, Bronchial adenoma, Cryptococcosis and Asbestosis. Ha ha ha! Game on, diseases! Game on!!
The Symptom Checker is an interactive picture of the human body. By holding the mouse over a certain area, you are shown a litany of possible aches, pains, protrusions or other items to further describe what ails you. I clicked on the upper chest. Under possible symptoms, I selected cough.
WebMD asked me what kind of cough it is. Then it asked several more cough-related questions and I answered as though I have a common cold (which, coincidentally, I do). When the questions are over, WebMD gives you a list of possible ailments. After four questions of giving answers to describe the common cold, this is what it gave me:
Common cold
Bronchitis
Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease
Aortic aneurysm
Viral pharyngitis
Chronic sinusitis
Bronchial adenoma
Cryptococcosis
Asbestosis
Part of the problem is the fact that medical terminology sounds so damn scary. Viral pharyngitis? Are you kidding me? Why can't they just call it "Hurty Chest Disease?" Viral pharyngitis makes it sound like my body is being ravaged by a government-created bio weapon that will dissolve my lungs from the inside out!
Another problem: all of these horrific viruses/bacterial infections/diseases are included under the caption Conditions Associated With the Selected Symptoms. There is no partitioning of ones that have more in common with your answers than others. Because there is no such division, it looks visually like you could have the common cold or maybe Asbestosis; WebMD can't be sure. Asbestosis! What?? And I've heard of an aortic aneurysm, but after describing common cold symptoms, what in the hell does your heart exploding have to do with the common cold?
My pulse quickened. What if I do have Cryptococcosis? What if it's a combination of Chronic sinusitis and Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease?? I mean, WebMD says I have the symptoms of those two. Can they work together to kill me? Would they work together to kill me? Yes. They are viruses and diseases; most certainly they would enter a pact to destroy me. That's it. I'm going to my doctor. I'm telling her that I need all the medication necessary to fight the Common Cold, Bronchitis, Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, an Aortic aneurysm, Viral pharyngitis, Chronic sinusitis, Bronchial adenoma, Cryptococcosis and Asbestosis. Ha ha ha! Game on, diseases! Game on!!
posted by Infused Confusion at
11:39 AM
1 Comments:
Actually, based on your symptoms, I can tell you exactly what you have: Plural Pleural Pregnancy (or PPP). In English? Lung triplets.
See, what most people don't know is that the lungs are actually two giant ovaries. All that spongy lung material? Unfertilized ova. Scary? Yes. Preventable? Absolutely.
This is why I always tell you not to inhale! But do you listen? No, Patrick. No, you do not. In fact, it's best not to even swallow, because something could go down the wrong pipe and presto: Luna's room has to be turned into a nursery.
By
April, At
5:58 PM
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