Carl's Jr. (SHUDDER)

For the record, I can't even remember the last time I willfully ate Carl's Junior. I was probably 13 and drunk. I am therefore entitled to make the following post because I can always say (with Taco Bell chalupa firmly in mouth), "Dude. At least I don't eat at Carl's Jr."

Too long have I suffered through the Carl's Jr. commercials. Every time I hear the distinct sounds of slurping and gnashing, I just know that if I turn towards the monitor, I will see someone devouring one of their Buick-sized menu items with sauce oozing and dripping all over the place. It doesn't even matter what menu item is being attacked. Be it a burger, salad, taco salad, fries or a drink, every eating sound must be turned up to 11 just so they can get some kind of point across. The point, presumably, is to make us hungry by thinking, "Wow, that burger sure sounds delicious," which is actually a very clever tactic being as a Carl's Jr. burger is not, in any reality, delicious.

But there is a new menu item that I cannot abide. It is so bad, in fact, that each time the commercial comes on I have to mute the sound and turn away from the screen. For those of you who have seen it, I'm sure it won't surprise you to learn that the menu item to which I am referring is Carl's Jr.'s new Chili Cheeseburger. There are so many problems with this burger that it's hard to know where to begin.

First, there is the fact that Carl's Jr. is even making a chili cheeseburger. I'm not sure how the board meeting was going or what kind of mood the powers-that-be at Carl's Jr. were in. They apparently wanted their shit-on-a-shingle burger to actually take on the physical appearance of shit leaking out of an already shitastic cheeseburger. I can only assume one of the board members had an unpleasant encounter in the restroom (after eating Carl's Jr., of course) and thought maybe if they just scooped out the bowl and slopped it on one of their "burgers," they could have a marketable new menu item. And let's be honest - there is no way the Carl's Jr. "chili" is actual chili. It may take on some of the shapes of chili but I shudder to think what is actually in that concoction.

The second problem is the photo of the new chili cheeseburger, taken in traditional Carl's Jr. style. All of their menu items are taken from a low angle with a fish-eye lens to make the item appear as though it is twenty feet high; as though when you go to your local Carl's Jr. and order it, you are going to be directed outside where a forklift will bring it to you. Hopefully you brought a truck so you can get your leftovers home. What is inexcusable with the new chili cheeseburger photo is the fact (expounding on the last paragraph) that shit is gushing out of it. It's an enormous picture of shit flowing from a cheeseburger.

The third and final problem with the commercial is the way in which the burger is being eaten by the male actor. In the beginning of the commercial, the camera angle is taken from his backside, facing the female actor with whom he is lunching. She is loudly devouring her cheese-covered bacon fries when she pauses and informs her companion that he has "a little somthin' over here" as she mimics the area on his face where the "little somethin'" is located. The camera is still at his back when he asks if he got it. She looks up from her bacon fries and says, "More in this area," as she indicates on her left jowl where he missed. The camera finally takes the male actor's face full on and what we are presented with is his lower face absolutely COVERED in the Carl's Jr. "chili." Only we know it's not really chili. So what's on his face? You guys, he has a shit-covered face. His face is literally covered in shit. Everything below his nose is a chunky melange of putrid ass juice.

The first time I saw this commercial, I was mortified but I was in such a state of shock that I couldn't look away. The second time I saw the commercial, my stomach turned and dinner threated to make a reappearance. And now, well you know how it is now. Why couldn't Carl's Jr. just stick to their "Don't Bother Me I'm Eating" slogan and have a construction worker packing away their chili cheeseburger from the top of a building frame as "chili" rained from their 20 foot high burger onto the streets below? I mean, sure it's still disgusting but at least we wouldn't have a close up of someone's face covered in shit. Ugh. Okay I have to stop typing because I'm thinking about it too much. Any more time devoted to this post and I'll be horking into my trash can for sure.