Irregardless

I am usually tolerant of all types of lexicon abuse; I myself am privy to the occasional slip-up. There is one type of abuse, however, that I do not think should be tolerated and in fact should be punished (sexily). This type of abuse occurs when a self-professed erudite law student sends me emails and includes vocabulary that is misused but done in such a way as to make them sound more edumucated than s/he actually are.

Exhibit A:

"I will be unable to make this meeting today. I am confident that the agenda will be reviewed with aplomb and the goals of the meeting will be accomplished.

Please update me on any news or action items. Thank you."


My issue with the above email is the second sentence. First of all, I can't stand the way this student ingratiates themselves by a cheap attempt at stroking my ego. [Mincingly] Mmmmm, yes I'm sure my agenda will be reviewed with aplomb and the goals will be accomplished, mmmm, yes. The problem, if you haven't guessed already, is the use of the word "aplomb." I had to double-check because I had never heard "aplomb" used so poorly, but my gut was right and in fact, aplomb means "imperturbable self-possession, poised or assured." Therefore, taking the literal definition of the word and putting in context with the email doesn't make much sense. Here's what I think of when one uses the word aplomb:

Several English professors take their seats in plush, high-backed Louis XIV chairs. A sommelier pours each of them a fine cognac and lights their cigars. Lord Puffington, Regent Executor of Socksburyshire, turns to Baron von Shrewsberg with an air of petulance, "Baron, I say. You have been keeping up on the latest Trans-Atlantic property debate raging in the Colonies, have you not? You have yet to submit your report." The other professors eye each other delicately, for they realize the gross misstep in formality the Baron's oversight has caused. "My dear Lord Puffington, the report you requested cannot be completed until General Braxingly gives me his account of the native villages. Until then, it is unlikely we will make any further gains in taxable assets." Lord Puffington lazily regards the painting of his father, Lord Puffington The Great, above the mantle. "Baron. I have given you ample time to digest the situation and furthermore, you have assured me that by this time it would have been resolved. Now I find that not only is it unresolved, but you have placed the blame squarely upon General Braxlingly who coincidentally I heard from myself just this morning." The Baron shifts uncomfortably in his well-appointed Louis XIV chair. "My Lord, surely you...," but before the Baron could finish, Lord Puffington's eyes swell with rage and a pistol blast rings through the hall. The Baron's lifeless body slumps to the floor and the other professors try their best not to notice.

I hope you can see from the above example that Lord Puffington is chalk-full of aplomb.

Don't get me wrong, I understand what the student was trying to say. But if you're going to call yourself a graduate student, at least try and use words correctly. Or if not, go big and use a word that has absolutely no relevance but sounds cool. For instance, they could have said, "I am confident the agenda will be reviewed with laconic mellifluousness."