Proxy Fight!!

I'm sure most of you are all up on Microsoft's attempted takeover of Yahoo. If you're not, allow me to briefly sum up: Microsoft tried to bid something like $45 billion and Yahoo told them politely to go fuck their greedyass selves.

So check it: Microsoft is not having this. After getting bitch slapped by Yahoo, Microsoft went home and was all pissed and shit. They were sitting around all like, "Dudes, that was so not cool. Don't they know how much money $45 billion is? Don't they know they are just delaying the inevitable?" After whining about it for a few days, Chairman Bill Gates sent a nice little letter saying, "That deal was so totally fair so we're not going to raise it because your stock just went down and stuff. Take it or leave it."

Yahoo left it. In fact, those hot bitches at Yahoo are squatting on their company like a fat kid on a toilet after an all-you-can-eat Mexican buffet. They're like, "I DARE you to come in here and take me off this toilet. You'll DIE from the stench." Perhaps my imagery is a bit grotesque, but it illustrates a point. You see, most of the aforementioned hot bitches wouldn't stand to be Microsoft employees. They'd jump ship so fast that the wreckage left would be similar to that of the fat kid's bowel movements. The growing hostility between the two companies is deep and penetrating; Mostly penetrating. Yahoo doesn't want to sell and Microsoft is totally pissed. You know what that means! AHHH YEEEA! IT'S TIME FOR A PROXY FIGHT!!!

I already know about proxy fights because my dissertation was totally about how awesome proxy fights are. In my dissertation, I quoted Wikipedia and will do so again for your edumucation: A proxy fight or proxy battle is an event that may occur when a corporation's stockholders develop opposition to some aspect of the corporate governance, often focusing on directorial and management positions. Basically what Microsoft is going to do is try and put a more compliant board of directors in the place of the current board of directors; Puppets, if you will, of Microsoft's, um, will. Microsoft will try and lure Yahoo shareholders to use their proxy votes so they can ever-so-kindly overturn their current ruling class in order that they would be replaced by... another ruling class. This sounds like about the stupidest thing a shareholder can do, especially considering the potentially-incoming managerial team is Microsoft, but there's another aspect to this proxy battle thing....

SEXY PARTIES! Oh dudes, you just know that Yahoo has some rich ass hos on their board of directors. You think a little pressure on the shareholders is going to make them step down or get voted out? Hell no! Microsoft is going to have to lick butt (and I mean LICK BUTT) to get those Yahoo suits to relent. Those shareholders are so stoked!! If I were a big Yahoo shareholder, I would be sitting in the finest 5-star French restaurant with Microsoft execs being all, "Yeah, I'm sure I could be persuaded if you buy me a Gucci suit." But then they'd buy me that gorgeous expensive suit and I'd be like, "Ooh. It sure is nice but I could really use a new yacht," and it would continue on like that until I had tons of free shit and then I still wouldn't use my proxy vote because they're MICROSOFT? HELLO?

Of course, the above fantasy is not at all how this will shake down (crazy, I know!); It'll be much nastier. Because you see, a proxy fight just isn't a proxy fight without some blood-thirsty, $600/hour attorneys on your side. It just isn't! How sexy is this going to be?! Microsoft attorneys will be like, "Yeah. Yeah we wanna take you over. You like that don't ya?" and the Yahoo sluts will be all, "Ooh, but you're so big Microsoft! We don't think we can take it!" Then Microsoft will flex and be like, "You like my buyout options don't ya? You like it when I give you stock options, don't ya?", and Yahoo will bend over and be all, "Oh yeah! Buy me out! BUY IT ALL OUT!"

And this is the point where I realize that my post has devolved into some kind of twisted, crappy porn. OK then. Might as well stop while I'm ahead.