Apply THIS

I am proud to say that my Facebook page is very clean. I can't call it clean in the biblical sense because of the rampant gayness, but it is clean in the comparative sense. If you take a stroll down Facebook lane, you'll find dozens, nay, THOUSANDS (!) of Facebook pages absolutely riddled with junk. There are people who pretend to be vampires biting "chumps" thereby sending the bitee an electronic Facebook invitation to become a vampire and join their electronic vampire army that gets points and is supposedly really cool. I'm sorry, but I have far too much respect for the real vampires who work tirelessly at creating their REAL vampire army to degrade them with such trivial games. I was also recruited to be a pirate with the same kind of invitation, only rather than gnaw at my flesh like the vampire, the pirate recruiter simply asked if I would like to be on their ship in the manner real pirates do; by blasting a cannon ball at me.

Then there was this Never-Ending movie quiz thing. It is a collection of questions written by obsessive compulsive Facebookers who have apparently whittled their taste in cinema down to Buffy the Vampire Slayer and other supremely notable 90s flicks. Your ranking appears in the upper right hand corner when you play this ridiculous thing and it just goes on forever; a testament to its moniker. I was so bored one day that I answered over 800 questions in a row and I was still only ranked 94,035. I don't even want to know what it would take to become Number 1, but I bet there are some hardcore 90s film genre fans right now sitting with blood shot eyes, dry mouths and robust social lives.

The lust for competition only continues when you look at another application; Rank Me. This is an arbitrary ranking system that pits two of your friends against each other and asks a thought-provoking question like, "Who's Cuter?", and demands that you choose between the two. It is particularly difficult when the ranking question pertains to neither of your friends. Who's Cuter? Meh, neither of you is cuter so how about you just kill yourselves for my amusement?

I was partial to the Dirty Gifts application, until the Dirty Gifts started to include things like vomit and poo. You know how I feel about poo and getting the electronic version flung at me doesn't change my opinion on the subject. It was kind of funny at first, but after you receive several piles of dung, putrid toe jam or bacterial infestations, the honeymoon is over.

The barrage of invitations overwhelms me every day. Each morning, my mailbox is absolutely quivering with a slew of new pointless Facebook activities I could add. Every time one of my "friends" adds something super life-changing, the application demands that they invite their "friends" which means me. I repeatedly and seziurously* click "ignore" like a blind man searching for the meaning in his life, but they just keep coming. Eager programmers with far too much time on their hands and a thirst for money are cranking out the applications every day. What's next? The Hunter S. Thompson application where subscribers recruit unsuspecting victims with swarms of bats and ether? The Gravedigger application where new members are tasked with routine cemetery maintenance? The Captain Planet application where subscribers win points for empowering others with the five elements (yes I said five; Heart is totally an element). I'm over this. If I keep going on, no doubt one of you is going to put on your filthy programmer hat and make serious money off one of these suggestions**.



*Word I think should exist but doesn't due to the constraints of syntax and the demise of our society brought on by alcoholism and hot gay sex.

**I get 20% if you do.