Weekend Haps
Off to a bad start: The word "haps" really annoys me. I could change it but then I'd be censoring myself.
WARNING! Super sexy interesting blog post ahead! It's so sexy your genitals might EXPLODE after the first paragraph!!
We sign our closing papers on the 14th; less than two weeks away. I hear that it takes eight illegally-harvested old growth Douglas Firs to make up one stack of closing papers. At least, that's what my friend Chandra tells me. I think she only knows that because one time she chained herself to a Doug Fir and when Weyerhaeuser came and took it (and her) away, she got an insider's look at the home buying industry's illegal paper trade. Sordid!
This is the fifth time Robin and I have moved together. The first few times, we moved from a small space to a slightly larger place and therefore didn't have a lot of things to worry about. If we didn't get it all boxed up before moving day, no big deal. However, after almost six years of mind-altering bliss, we have lots of crap. When we moved into our current house, we put a bunch of old sentimental things in boxes with the intention of going through them one day. They were placed in the office closet and are still there, untouched.
One thing we learned from our last move is that when you do a little planning and put in some elbow grease before hand, moving day is actually quite smooth (cue schmaltzy Disney "work song"). We enlisted the help of several friends but made sure to have all our possessions boxed up and ready to go the day before. We rented a gigantic U-Haul which was far too big, but one trip and twenty minutes of packing/unpacking later we were moved. We were so organized, in fact, that we even had a party in our new place that night. This efficient moving model is one we will again be employing in a couple of weeks. Actually, I think it fulfills a more primordial desire on both our parts because we're of German descent. Efficient German moving! Mach schnell!
In order to achieve maximum results, the Efficient German Moving Model requires a lot of prep work. So, this weekend was partially spent going through our clothes and Goodwilling a bunch of crap we never wear which turned out to be a lot. I completely forgot how skinny I used to be and might I just say, I'm glad my breasts finally developed. A long time ago we took a stab at Goodwilling our clothes but were for one reason or another still delusional about our body size. I remember thinking, "Yeah, well if I just lose most of my muscle mass and don't eat for a year I could totally fit into this!" This time around, we were much more comfortable getting rid of pitted-out t-shirts and size 30 pants.
Our bedroom was one thing; the office is quite another. Another aspect in the EGMM is not moving junk you'll never-in-a-million-years use again. This means going through all those closet boxes and throwing out or Craigslisting old crap that at one time or another was sentimental. The thing is, I can't remember why I was holding on to most of the stuff in the first place. I mean, my Bachelor's Degree? Who the hell needs that? I gave up after one box and instead packed up the book shelves and other random items.
The final step in the EGMM is making your friends move all your crap. This can easily be accomplished with the promise of delicious pizza and a keg of Ninkasi when they're done. Oh, and a ragin' party at the new digs. Now that I think about it, this post has become more about the EGMM than anything else. So because I love redundancy love, I will now give you the step-by-step successful achievement plan of the EGMM:
1. Find place to move
2. Mach schnell!
3. Lay out time line and indicate when things must be ready to move.
4. Arrange for change of mail and cable.
5. SCHNELL!
6. Call bank, loan companies, family, friends and others who need your new address.
7. Email and call your friends to help on moving day. Promise pizza and beer even if there won't be any. Reward those who wonder where their pizza and beer is with a quick kick in the gut. No time for sympathy!
8. Goodwill everything you don't need. This is not the time for sentimentality or remorse! If you do not use it any longer, it is of no use to you! Mach schnell!
9. Box absolutely everything possible in the weeks that precede the move. The night before, box up everything else.
10. MACH. SCHNELL.
11. On moving day, have your boxes properly labeled with what area of the new house you want them in along with "light" or "heavy." Anything not labeled with a weight is to be considered of medium weight that the average human can carry! If you cannot carry it, you are not average and therefore may be disposed of!
12. Listen to your commanding officers! If they request your help moving or unpacking something, do not hesitate! The system will collapse if you take ONE SECOND to contemplate your action! Verstehen Sie? Mach Schnell!!
I swear I'm not crazy.
WARNING! Super sexy interesting blog post ahead! It's so sexy your genitals might EXPLODE after the first paragraph!!
We sign our closing papers on the 14th; less than two weeks away. I hear that it takes eight illegally-harvested old growth Douglas Firs to make up one stack of closing papers. At least, that's what my friend Chandra tells me. I think she only knows that because one time she chained herself to a Doug Fir and when Weyerhaeuser came and took it (and her) away, she got an insider's look at the home buying industry's illegal paper trade. Sordid!
This is the fifth time Robin and I have moved together. The first few times, we moved from a small space to a slightly larger place and therefore didn't have a lot of things to worry about. If we didn't get it all boxed up before moving day, no big deal. However, after almost six years of mind-altering bliss, we have lots of crap. When we moved into our current house, we put a bunch of old sentimental things in boxes with the intention of going through them one day. They were placed in the office closet and are still there, untouched.
One thing we learned from our last move is that when you do a little planning and put in some elbow grease before hand, moving day is actually quite smooth (cue schmaltzy Disney "work song"). We enlisted the help of several friends but made sure to have all our possessions boxed up and ready to go the day before. We rented a gigantic U-Haul which was far too big, but one trip and twenty minutes of packing/unpacking later we were moved. We were so organized, in fact, that we even had a party in our new place that night. This efficient moving model is one we will again be employing in a couple of weeks. Actually, I think it fulfills a more primordial desire on both our parts because we're of German descent. Efficient German moving! Mach schnell!
In order to achieve maximum results, the Efficient German Moving Model requires a lot of prep work. So, this weekend was partially spent going through our clothes and Goodwilling a bunch of crap we never wear which turned out to be a lot. I completely forgot how skinny I used to be and might I just say, I'm glad my breasts finally developed. A long time ago we took a stab at Goodwilling our clothes but were for one reason or another still delusional about our body size. I remember thinking, "Yeah, well if I just lose most of my muscle mass and don't eat for a year I could totally fit into this!" This time around, we were much more comfortable getting rid of pitted-out t-shirts and size 30 pants.
Our bedroom was one thing; the office is quite another. Another aspect in the EGMM is not moving junk you'll never-in-a-million-years use again. This means going through all those closet boxes and throwing out or Craigslisting old crap that at one time or another was sentimental. The thing is, I can't remember why I was holding on to most of the stuff in the first place. I mean, my Bachelor's Degree? Who the hell needs that? I gave up after one box and instead packed up the book shelves and other random items.
The final step in the EGMM is making your friends move all your crap. This can easily be accomplished with the promise of delicious pizza and a keg of Ninkasi when they're done. Oh, and a ragin' party at the new digs. Now that I think about it, this post has become more about the EGMM than anything else. So because I love redundancy love, I will now give you the step-by-step successful achievement plan of the EGMM:
1. Find place to move
2. Mach schnell!
3. Lay out time line and indicate when things must be ready to move.
4. Arrange for change of mail and cable.
5. SCHNELL!
6. Call bank, loan companies, family, friends and others who need your new address.
7. Email and call your friends to help on moving day. Promise pizza and beer even if there won't be any. Reward those who wonder where their pizza and beer is with a quick kick in the gut. No time for sympathy!
8. Goodwill everything you don't need. This is not the time for sentimentality or remorse! If you do not use it any longer, it is of no use to you! Mach schnell!
9. Box absolutely everything possible in the weeks that precede the move. The night before, box up everything else.
10. MACH. SCHNELL.
11. On moving day, have your boxes properly labeled with what area of the new house you want them in along with "light" or "heavy." Anything not labeled with a weight is to be considered of medium weight that the average human can carry! If you cannot carry it, you are not average and therefore may be disposed of!
12. Listen to your commanding officers! If they request your help moving or unpacking something, do not hesitate! The system will collapse if you take ONE SECOND to contemplate your action! Verstehen Sie? Mach Schnell!!
I swear I'm not crazy.
posted by Infused Confusion at
9:20 AM
4 Comments:
The last time I moved, I developed a much better model.
1. Throw everything non-breakable into hastily packed boxes.
2. Pack breakable things carefully and label the boxes as such.
3.Place cats in carriers in the car.
4. Pay large, burly, very nice men from the moving company $200 to put all the boxes and furniture in a truck and then take them out of the truck and into the new place.
5. Invite friends over for major party anyway because some of us haven't seen Robin in years.
By
Copy Editor, At
7:02 PM
Also, remember to take the cat carriers out of the car and let cats out of them.
By
Copy Editor, At
7:03 PM
Hmm. The German moving model differs slightly from the Italian moving model, which involves the following steps:
1. Enlist the aid of 470 of your closest relatives in both the packing and moving processes.
2. After relatives verbally harangue you to within an inch of your life about the whys and wherefores of each items you own, pack and move the 4 items you have left.
3. Sit down with relatives to a huge starchy dinner, which they brought themselves. There will be 15 varieties of spaghetti alone, not to mention the other pasta incarnations. Don't worry that you gave away all your furniture; they brought folding tables.
4. Play canasta until Zizzi Theresa and Uncle Dominic start throwing punches.
5. Call it a night.
It seems like your way is more organized, but who brings the cannoli?
By
April, At
9:48 PM
The Irish Moving Plan:
1. Secretly plot your escape.
2. Tell no one where you are going.
3. Get boxes from local grocery store at midnight.
4. Enlist one trusted accompliss to accompish your mission.
5. Sneakily begin throwing your things in plastic bags and deposit them in your car under the cover of night.
6. Put the majority of your posessions in a storage unit well out of town to disguise your intentions.
7. Pick a day when your housemate is at work, and run to the car with armfulls of shoes falling to the ground.
8. Give close friend keys to new home.
9. Con random hunters into moving your god awful entertainment center into the uhaul.
10. 95 lbs. accompliss moves everything in by herself in a day, including massive furniture.
11. Tell no one where you have gone, and complain to collection agencies for not having the sense to track you down and inform you of your financial obligations.
By
Miss Clare, At
2:40 PM
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