You're A Dirty Little Keyboard...
April and I got into a very profound conversation about the inherent sexiness that is your computer keyboard. It looks pretty benign, right? I mean, it's just there to serve a function. You type commands and your CPU responds accordingly, right? No. Your keyboard is much more than that. It is, purely and simply, a sex-laden collection of commands that await your every fantasy. Allow me to elaborate.
We'll start with the painfully obvious. Look at the letters "S," "E," and "X." Notice anything in particular? Maybe that they're right next each other? It's not a coincidence. A little history lesson: The first keyboard layouts were designed for typewriters. As many grandparents know, if you type too fast on a typewriter, the metal letter thingys leap together and become entangled. Olde tyme mechanics couldn't account for the blindingly fast human fingers. Therefore, they redesigned a layout that would restrict us from typing too fast. This effectively stopped the metal letter thingys in our modern computers from leaping together and slowing down the already slow enough CPU. It's no small coincidence that the person in charge of the modern letter layout was none other than Mike "Show Me Your Privates" Evanston. Mike, or "that disgusting pervert" as his friends called him, submitted many designs to the Congressional Committee for Letter Reassignment. They debated long and hard over the final layout. The one eventually chosen barely beat a design of which the Committee Chair, Senator Octavius McGrabbypants, was particularly fond. For those easily offended, just be glad the home row isn't VAGP-ENIS.
Of course, the highly factual account above only accounts for letters. Much more was to be added in the coming years by a group of socially awkward, cave-dwelling, horny men, or as they are more commonly known, nerds.
Despite what modern historians may tell you about the evolution of the keyboard, it had much less to do with functional computer language than it did sexual acts and how they could be "watered down" for the public. Does this * look like anything in particular? But wait, it's just an asterisk, right? Yes, that is correct - an ASSterisk. All they did was take away one simple letter and the general public went unaware as to the true nature of the ASSterisk. Go ahead - keep making bullet points and footnotes with it. All I can see is tiny puckers littering your document. And another thing - just how does one type an ASSterisk? Well, it's not by a simple press of the 8 button, now is it? No. One must SHIFT their way to the ASSterisk. Shift it to the left, perhaps? Or maybe the right? Well look at that - you're covered on both sides, aren't you?
The arrow keys may look innocent enough, but think of them in relation to where the "cursor" is on the "screen." I know that when I want the "cursor" to move up, I need only hit the up arrow. But wait, I changed my mind. Now I want it to go back down. Now up. Now down again. Would you like the "cursor" to go right? Left? Yeah - those "directional arrows" aren't so innocent now, are they?
Below the SHIFT keys are two other keys designed by a panel of dominatrices. They are, as I'm sure you are now seeing for yourself, the "Control" buttons. For those of you who have ever worked on Word or Excel documents, you know the value in keyboard shortcuts. By holding "Ctrl" and pressing "C," you copy a selected area. By then moving to another section and holding "Ctrl" while pressing "V," your copied data is then pasted. Do you think it's any coincidence that the CONTROL button is used so violently? It can shortcut the tedious point and click mouse interface and force a desired function. It controls the keyboard and reduces the letter "C," "V," "P" and a host of others to mere puppets of its will. Can you hear the whips cracking?
Are you into dressing up? Do you like to change your look? Why not use the "Alt" keys? If you and your partner like role-playing, this function is absolutely necessary and I am no doubt telling you what you already know. If you're looking for a little spice in the boudoir, look no farther than your keyboard and explore what the Alt keys can do for you.
You must be wondering why I haven't touched on perhaps the most glaring examples of the modern sexual keyboard. One is a simple invitation: Enter; The other is a command: Insert. Together, the Enter and Insert buttons have sustained vibrant sexual lives since the dawn of time, possibly before. But once a relationship has reached the point where Enter and Insert by themselves have become routine, the couple must branch out and use more of the keyboard functions. The possibilities are limitless!
My account is by no means exhaustive. This is just a taste of what a modern keyboard has in store for you... sexually. I encourage you to take some time and reacquaint yourself with it. If you wind up disappointed, you have only yourself to blame.
We'll start with the painfully obvious. Look at the letters "S," "E," and "X." Notice anything in particular? Maybe that they're right next each other? It's not a coincidence. A little history lesson: The first keyboard layouts were designed for typewriters. As many grandparents know, if you type too fast on a typewriter, the metal letter thingys leap together and become entangled. Olde tyme mechanics couldn't account for the blindingly fast human fingers. Therefore, they redesigned a layout that would restrict us from typing too fast. This effectively stopped the metal letter thingys in our modern computers from leaping together and slowing down the already slow enough CPU. It's no small coincidence that the person in charge of the modern letter layout was none other than Mike "Show Me Your Privates" Evanston. Mike, or "that disgusting pervert" as his friends called him, submitted many designs to the Congressional Committee for Letter Reassignment. They debated long and hard over the final layout. The one eventually chosen barely beat a design of which the Committee Chair, Senator Octavius McGrabbypants, was particularly fond. For those easily offended, just be glad the home row isn't VAGP-ENIS.
Of course, the highly factual account above only accounts for letters. Much more was to be added in the coming years by a group of socially awkward, cave-dwelling, horny men, or as they are more commonly known, nerds.
Despite what modern historians may tell you about the evolution of the keyboard, it had much less to do with functional computer language than it did sexual acts and how they could be "watered down" for the public. Does this * look like anything in particular? But wait, it's just an asterisk, right? Yes, that is correct - an ASSterisk. All they did was take away one simple letter and the general public went unaware as to the true nature of the ASSterisk. Go ahead - keep making bullet points and footnotes with it. All I can see is tiny puckers littering your document. And another thing - just how does one type an ASSterisk? Well, it's not by a simple press of the 8 button, now is it? No. One must SHIFT their way to the ASSterisk. Shift it to the left, perhaps? Or maybe the right? Well look at that - you're covered on both sides, aren't you?
The arrow keys may look innocent enough, but think of them in relation to where the "cursor" is on the "screen." I know that when I want the "cursor" to move up, I need only hit the up arrow. But wait, I changed my mind. Now I want it to go back down. Now up. Now down again. Would you like the "cursor" to go right? Left? Yeah - those "directional arrows" aren't so innocent now, are they?
Below the SHIFT keys are two other keys designed by a panel of dominatrices. They are, as I'm sure you are now seeing for yourself, the "Control" buttons. For those of you who have ever worked on Word or Excel documents, you know the value in keyboard shortcuts. By holding "Ctrl" and pressing "C," you copy a selected area. By then moving to another section and holding "Ctrl" while pressing "V," your copied data is then pasted. Do you think it's any coincidence that the CONTROL button is used so violently? It can shortcut the tedious point and click mouse interface and force a desired function. It controls the keyboard and reduces the letter "C," "V," "P" and a host of others to mere puppets of its will. Can you hear the whips cracking?
Are you into dressing up? Do you like to change your look? Why not use the "Alt" keys? If you and your partner like role-playing, this function is absolutely necessary and I am no doubt telling you what you already know. If you're looking for a little spice in the boudoir, look no farther than your keyboard and explore what the Alt keys can do for you.
You must be wondering why I haven't touched on perhaps the most glaring examples of the modern sexual keyboard. One is a simple invitation: Enter; The other is a command: Insert. Together, the Enter and Insert buttons have sustained vibrant sexual lives since the dawn of time, possibly before. But once a relationship has reached the point where Enter and Insert by themselves have become routine, the couple must branch out and use more of the keyboard functions. The possibilities are limitless!
My account is by no means exhaustive. This is just a taste of what a modern keyboard has in store for you... sexually. I encourage you to take some time and reacquaint yourself with it. If you wind up disappointed, you have only yourself to blame.
posted by Infused Confusion at
12:12 PM
2 Comments:
A word of caution: be very careful if you have one of those fancy keyboards with controls for music functions and internet. I accidentally hit "mute" and now it's like I'm having sex with a ninja.
By
April, At
5:30 PM
I write a lot for my job. And until your post, I never realized just how hot that was.
Thank you for opening my eyes to the world of typographical masturbation.
Just FYI - if you really want to take keyboard dirtiness to the next level, get one of those ergonomic keyboards. Damn.
By
Mr. Burns, At
1:15 PM
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