Senseless Gadgets

Feeling tired and lazy? Have an enormous (or not) lawn that needs your constant attention? Did you invest in a parcel of land that you now realize you actually have to take care of? Never fear, The Automower is here!!

Yes, it exists. A giant Roomba for your yard has been invented. The company Husquavarna has decided that instead of copying the Roomba, it would just, uh, copy how a Roomba works! That's kinda like the new watch I invented, the Molex. Pretty sneaky, huh? Just like the Roomba that I totally know you have, the Automower has a docking station, is cleaner than your typical lawnmower (which spews evil toxins into the air) and better yet, you only have to touch a button to get it started!

The Automower slides effortlessly across your lawn, creating an intricate memory of precisely how big your lawn is, where the edges are and makes sure to avoid the garden/flower beds. I don't know how it works, just like I don't know how the Roomba works, but I'll tell you one thing: putting whirling blades inside a Roomba-esque robot is exactly the sort of idea that wins Nobel Peace Prizes!

If you've ever seen a Roomba in action (what am I saying? You totally have one!), it isn't the most efficient vacuuming device. It bonks and spins all over the place, making an erratic carpet pattern as if you set your blind crack baby with ADD and no legs loose with a Hoover. I mean, that's how I get my carpets so clean, but crack babies are in high demand these days. The Automower is much less expensive!

I couldn't think of a better idea than placing spinning, flesh-eating knives inside a machine that has no sense of sight or sound. If your flowers were crying "OH GOD THE PAIN!!! THE PAAAAIIIIN!!", would you be there to hear them? Probably not, because you'd be snoozing on your couch, confident that your Automower wouldn't dare touch your flowers because it's not supposed to. Or better yet, what if one of your stupid kids decides it wanted to play with the fun robot? Little Jimmy would reach down to pet your otherwise completely safe Automower only to have his fingers diced into tasty bits of flesh and bone. Worse yet, the Automower would think little Jimmy was some sort of obstruction, so it would avoid that area of the lawn. GOD kids are stupid.

Which brings me to my second point: robots don't suffer from guilt. Say that after your flowers were decapitated, little Jimmy was cut to shreds and who knows, something else devastating happened to your lawn. Say that one day you didn't like your Automower anymore. Say that you tried to unplug it and take it to the trash can, confident that it couldn't possibly turn on unless you pushed its little button. You're an idiot. You bought a machine that can learn, remember? Do you think for one second that it didn't learn of your weaknesses? Your faults? Do you actually believe it didn't learn how to turn itself on? Well, you're stupidity is about to be rewarded by having your chest and arms eviscerated. Now an instrument of unthinkable killing and with the taste of blood fresh on its sensors, your Automower will zip away. Nice going, genius.

There are things that we need to do for ourselves. If you're too fat or busy or lazy to mow your lawn and you get an Automower, all I'm saying is there will be consequences. Dire consequences.