Spider Man 3 (Sadly, My Second Movie Review)

Oh my god. OH MY FUCKING GOD. Robin and I just got home from possibly the worst "hero" movie ever. E V E R.

You shouldn't expect any sort of "review", because there's nothing plot-worthy to discuss. This movie was such a huge pile of crap that I'll be scraping the stench of a weeping Kirsten Dunst and gurgling Toby McGuire out of my clothes for months. Between the two of them, they probably cried 7,302 times during that movie. I can't tell for sure; I lost count after 7,300.

I'm never disobeying rottentomatoes.com ever again. Spidey 3 garnered 61% and the only good reviews came from people who said, "The costumes and special effects were amazing! Who cares about the plot when you have the Sandman whose every detail is rendered with exacting precision? McGuire played the tortured Peter Parker, a Libra with an Aquarius rising, with such passion! The Aquarius really came through! And Kirsten Dunst, why, is there a finer actress? Is there??? And also, I believe in unicorns!"

The oily texture of theater popcorn still lingers in my mouth. The sweet, sweet release of a brainless hero movie was not bestowed upon me this day. I could have smoked crushed granite and gotten a better high. The more I think about the constant sobbing, the pedantic dialogue, the meandering plot, the FIVE characters whose development never makes sense, I just want it to stop. It was like paying $22 for a horrible acid trip and Kirsten Dunst was there!!!

I was so pissed that I went home and immediately imdb'd Sam Raimi (the director). How could he possibly have made such a terrible movie when he executive produced Xena, Warrior Princess? He directed episodes of Hercules for god's sake! HE'S REMAKING EVIL DEAD!!! What's wrong with our universe? How could someone so talented make such a gross error in directing? I've pretty much lost hope in humanity. But mostly, I've lost $22 which I could have gotten drunk with, given to a bum, wiped my ass with, eaten, or paid to get my balls ripped off; all of which would have been better than seeing this "movie".


Grade for the movie: F- times infinity

Would I recommend it to a friend? I'd tell them it'd be better just to have me spit in their mouth after I eat a hot dog made purely from roadkill.