Copying Sara

This is funny. Here's the one I did:

Dear Santa,

I have been a good boy.

It really wasn't my fault what happened at Robin's Office party. It was Sara who spiked the punch with too much Cosmopolitan. I can't help it if I drank 79 glasses. It was so good---smelled and tasted just like vomit.

I thought it was funny when I put Rachel's condom on my head and danced the cha cha on the lounge while singing `All You Need Is Love'. I didn't mean to break Robin's vibrator and don't know why Robin would accuse me of arson.

I don't remember calling Eric's wife a punctilious Llama---even though she looked like one with purple eye shadow and sage lipstick!

And when I threw up on Chandra's husband's penis, it was only because I ate too much of that lasagne.
After all that fun, I admit I was a little tired. So I fell asleep on my way home and drove my bentley arnage through my neighbor's shed. I don't think that was any reason for my neighbor to call me a lascivious hippo and have me arrested for armed robbery!

So, Santa...here I sit in my jail cell on Christmas Eve, all vibrant and exclusory. And I'm really not to blame for any of this putrid stuff. Please bring me what I want the most---bail money!
Sincerely and rapidly yours,


Patrick (Really a nice boy!)
P.S. It's only 1095783 bucks!

Christmas

I can't believe people. Correction - I can't believe all these religious nuts out there screaming "IT'S CHRISTMAS, ASSHOLES!" when a store wants to appeal to a broader base of customers by putting up signs that read, "Happy Holidays". In a small effort to show how twisted and bastardized the Christmas holiday actually is, here's a little history lesson for y'all:

(This is only one section of many more articles of the Christmas holiday. Please refer to this website for all the rest)

An Ancient Holiday
"The middle of winter has long been a time of celebration around the world. Centuries before the arrival of the man called Jesus, early Europeans celebrated light and birth in the darkest days of winter. Many peoples rejoiced during the winter solstice, when the worst of the winter was behind them and they could look forward to longer days and extended hours of sunlight.

In Scandinavia, the Norse celebrated Yule from December 21, the winter solstice, through January. In recognition of the return of the sun, fathers and sons would bring home large logs, which they would set on fire. The people would feast until the log burned out, which could take as many as 12 days. The Norse believed that each spark from the fire represented a new pig or calf that would be born during the coming year.

The end of December was a perfect time for celebration in most areas of Europe. At that time of year, most cattle were slaughtered so they would not have to be fed during the winter. For many, it was the only time of year when they had a supply of fresh meat. In addition, most wine and beer made during the year was finally fermented and ready for drinking.

In Germany, people honored the pagan god Oden during the mid-winter holiday. Germans were terrified of Oden, as they believed he made nocturnal flights through the sky to observe his people, and then decide who would prosper or perish. Because of his presence, many people chose to stay inside."

Oh, and here's a fact that I learned while attending my fag-loving, hippy liberal school: The date December 25th was the day Romans celebrated their god, Saturn. The day itself was called Saturnalia and was marked by wicked drunken parties and gift giving. Christianity, as usual, needed to convert everything in their path and since this day was a superfun party-day already, they literally took it over and said, "oh, yeah, um... JESUS was born on this day too! Hey, in fact, Saturnailia is totally LAME compared to Jesus! Who did Saturn ever die for...?" Ahh, the beginnigs of Christian idiocy...

So, Christians and others who claim holiday superiority over all that is November twenty-something until December 26th, why don't you pay heed to your own history??

How can you possibly be offended that companies and organizations don't wish to vault your tradition over everyone else's when your holiday isn't your own?

Oh, and please don't give me the "who cares when we celebrate it as long as we do" crap because EXACTLY - WHO CARES?! I certainly don't... celebrate it whenever you want to but do not think for one minute that it takes "precedence" over Chaukah, Kwaanza or winter solstice.

When you lay your head to rest tonight, just remember that if it weren't for pagan rites, winter solstice and worshipping of other dieties, THERE WOULD BE NO CHRISTMAS.

(ahhh, haven't had a good rant in a while...)

Check 'Dis Bitch!

I was looking for a reason why the internet was created. Contrary to whatever bullshit propaganda you've heard, THIS is the real reason:

Your Inner Gangsta by crash_and_burn
What is yo name?
Yo gangsta name be	The Beef
You ride around in a	2004 Chrysler Pacifica
Yo gang	The Adjective Nouners
Yo shoes be	White high-top Air Force 1s
Yo dubs be dis big, fool	978
How much money you got?	$2.46632337089851e+26
How gangsta are you, bitch?: 48%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

When Believers Believe In Others

Robin and I were asked to be guests on a panel for one of our local churches. We have two very close gay friends who attend (one of whom was a minister) and they were not able to be on the panel this year. The panel is designed for two gay couples (men and women) to field questions from 12-15 year olds. This church holds a school-year long class on human sexuality. Interwoven through their studies are the benefits and pitfalls of a healthy sexual life with some Jesus stuff too.

If you haven't figured it out already, this church is very open-minded and to that end, inclusive of every kind of lifestyle. Furthermore, this is a very large congregation. It's not like this is some dinky touchy-feely-woo-woo church. It's major. Anyway...

Before we began the question and answer portion, we each shared our "life story in two minutes" and relayed the challenges we had to overcome as gay people. The other three (including Robin) had a much different encounter with their sexuality than I did. This is not to suggest they didn't face difficulties, but they were more comfortable loving themselves than I was. Y'all know it took me a little longer and some craziness to love me for me. But hey, I turned out all right, right? RIGHT?!

In the previous week, they prepared questions for us. They also participated in a meditation where they were to imagine themselves in a predominantly gay world and what that would feel like. Afterward, they all discussed their feelings and anticipated how we must have felt growing up. How friggin' cool is that?

The questions were the usual ones people ask; When did you know you were gay? Did people tease you in school? What's it like living in a predominantly heterosexual world? We all answered with different views, different experiences, but same gayness.

The most impressive part of this panel was that the kids were really, really engaged. It got to the point where we were discussing social trends, what they experience in school and how bad they feel when people put down gays. As I type, my eyes are filling with tears and I can barely choke back my emotion. I felt so heard and authentically cared for as an equal voice amongst those who were 10 years younger than I was. These kids were the age I was when I could give a rat's ass about someone talking about their sexuality. Yes, I understand younger generations have had more exposure to sexuality at a younger age, but why should they care when there are XBOXes to be played?

As the kids asked their questions and we replied, I felt as though a warm blanket was being wrapped around me. I felt like Robin and I and the others were not just "tokens" for their interest, but people from whom they wanted to hear what it's like to struggle in a society where you're "innocent until proven gay" (my favorite thing Robin says regarding our social standing).

As I have written several times (and make no excuses for), mainstream Christianity is a plague on the earth. Their exclusionary practices and mind-numbingly shallow beliefs create a black hole of fear and oppression. There is little else they can say (even though they do), for they don't even read the Bible in its original text (Hebrew), though they have the capacity to do so. They study their own religion in a translated, bastardized, unhistorical context and claim moral superiority over everything. But last night, I saw hope in a religion I think is utterly poopy. No, I didn't see hope, I saw enlightenment, encouragement, faith as it is meant to be taught. There was no subversive, conversionist, missionary like message they gave us or even implied. All they wanted was to encounter sexuality in a we're-all-in-it-together-so-let's-not-act-like-jackasses manner.

I don't care who you are or where you're from. If you have the opportunity to reach out from your personal experiences to anyone else, DO IT. You don't have to be gay; speak from your heart, speak from your truthful encounters with others.

The only reason this world sucks so much is because we don't know how to love ourselves. Take a cue from these kids and try it.