One. Word. Answers.

I'm ripping this off my friend's blog. Stop laughing! I totally have friends!

You. Can. Only. Type. One. Word.

1. Where is your cell phone? Home
2. Describe your boyfriend/girlfriend? Amazing
3. Your hair? Brown
4. Your mother? Adorable
5. Your father? Quirky
6. Your favorite item? Piano
7. Your dream last night? Strange
8. Your favorite drink? Bourbon
9. Your dream car? Flyable
10. The room you are in? Office
11. Your ex? CRAZY
12. Your fear? Cheerleaders
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Worldlier
14. Who did you hang out with last night? Robin
15. What you’re not? Highfalutin'
19. The last thing you did? Biked
20. What are you wearing? Awesomeness
22. Your favorite book? Intense
23. The last thing you ate? Almonds
24. Your life? Excellent
25. Your mood? Happy
26. Your friends? Incredible
27. What are you thinking about right now? FESTING!
28. Your car? Nonexistent
29. What are you doing at the moment? Rapping
30. Your summer? Loving
31. Your relationship status? Devoted
32. What is on your tv? Stuff
33. When is the last time you laughed? HA!!!!
34. Last time you cried? Saturday
35. School? Graduated

Copy. Paste. Answer. Questions.

It Annoys Me When... [Murderer's Edition]

I'm enjoying a nice cocktail and all I can think about is how difficult it is to find a good alcohol to mix with blood.

People don't let me hold their children simply because I ask if I can abduct their children.

I eat my lunch in public and the person I'm sitting next to acts like raw flesh smells so fucking bad.

I'm trying to read on the bus and the person across from me keeps staring at my blood-splattered clothes.

I'm sitting in a fine restaurant and they won't serve me simply because I chose to bring my ax that day.

I try to care about someone's conversation only to have them ask me why I'm not looking at them and picking at my scabs.

People get all high and mighty when I ask what butcher shop is their favorite and I say mine is my garage.

I ask what movie someone suggests going to see and they can't respond because they're bound and gagged and possibly unconscious.

I go for a walk in the park and there are no good people to eat.

I forget to wear my black clothes at night thus becoming visible to people I have been trying so hard to follow into an empty alleyway.

When I tell my date what my hobbies are and they get this horrified look on their face as if they don't have sacrificial alters.

I try to pay for a new sweater and the clerk tells me that human fingers have never been a form of currency.

When I get fired from my job because I keep telling my coworkers that I hate it when people stab me in the back but I love to stab people in the back because of all the screaming.

The bank denies my loan because I put down "exotic skin collection" as collateral.

My car stops running and when I take it to the mechanic, they seem confused when I tell them it doesn't need oil because it runs on harvested souls.

Kali doesn't accept my offering because I forgot to wash the goat in virgin blood. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a virgin in this day and age?

Things

The upcoming family reunion this weekend has me sleeping poorly and anxious as all hell. I am torn between my innate desire to please people and the absolute knowledge that family I am supposed to care about don't give a damn about me and it's likely they never will. I'll just do what I always do: eat well, drink often and remind myself that everyone's family reunions are awkward and screaming with quiet disapproval.

On the bus today, I was reading the new David Sedaris and couldn't help but stop and listen to a conversation directly behind me. Two University staff members were talking about the warm weather, the summer term and the now (thankfully) over Olympic Trials. "Did you make it to any of the events?," asked one. The other replied, "Oh yes, Steve and I scored tickets on Friday right on the finish line in the third row! It was so loud, I could have sworn I was in Autzen stadium!" The first one then paused before saying, "Yeah, I went on Saturday and it was so loud I couldn't hear myself breathe!" I'm sure they didn't see me, but my eyes squinted and head went straight up. Did I hear that right? I'm sure I had. So loud I couldn't hear myself breathe? I found myself listening to my own breath, completely drowned out by the bus and all its noise. I started breathing louder, louder, and louder until I'm certain I looked like I was having a mild heart attack. A quick grip to the chest and one of the people now staring at me would leap into action. Even after all that, I still couldn't hear myself breathe, and I was only on the bus; not in a crowded stadium. But I know how she feels. Why, it was so loud in this morning's meeting, I couldn't even hear the blood in my veins!

I've been riding my bike to work a lot. Robin gave it to me for my birthday. It's a city cruiser, in that it's a 21-speed cruiser with shock absorbers. I love it. Riding to and from work provides and extra kick in my workout. This paragraph reads like a first grader describing something. I like candy. The weather is nice. Yesterday I made a pee pee and a doody.

This past weekend, we celebrated our nation's liberation from those sissy Brits by camping, drinking, swimming and overall shenanniganing in the woods. We were joined by Eric, Chandra and Bryan on Friday afternoon and they stayed through Saturday afternoon. Saturday night, however, was when the party really got started. And by "really got started," I mean we all got naked around the fire and played a rousing game of Slap Ass and had what was indeed a Sexy Party. Both Sara and I forgot our cribbage board, which could have ended in a vicious smiting by the hands of the Cribbage Gods, but instead we drew a nice board in the CLOG and thus appeased their unbridled aggression.

While camping, I did my first burn of the year! You should have seen those Doug Firs; they went up like tinder! Oh, that's not what I mean. The forest and its inhabitants are perfectly fine, delicious Spotted Owl hatchlings notwithstanding. I was out of lamp oil, so I just used plain old white gas and boy did those poi light up! Burns with pure white gas are quicker but more intense, to be sure. All this working out the past six months has really paid off, as I was able to do two sets while only breaking a mild sweat.

Robin and April have been chattering away nonstop about the new X-Files movie (no really, call one of them right now and they'll be yammering on). I'm looking forward to it as well, but I'm glad I don't have to deal with the unsightly foam that develops at the edges of my lips when someone says, "file(s)," "David," "movie," "FBI," or "aliens." We're hosting an X-Files marathon at our place on Sunday. We're supposed to pick our favorite episode and I still haven't come up with mine. Not that I don't really enjoy the idea, it's just that I'm indecisive and can't choose one episode in particular. Perhaps by Sunday I'll have it figured out. Otherwise, I'll just drive April and Robin crazy by saying, "It's the one with the aliens," and when they try to narrow it down, arrive at a decision and pop it in, I'll say within the first twenty seconds, "Oh, it's not this one, it's the other one with aliens."

I Normally Hate Forwards and Don't Read Them, But...

Here you go. I think this one is fantastic:

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are last year's winners.....

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .

18 Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20 The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.