Springfield, VERMONT?!?!

Springfield, Vermont was named the "official" Springfield of The Simpsons. They're getting all the fanfare, attention and other praise that should have been laid upon the true Springfield, the one in our beautiful Oregon. And let me tell you why.

One article I read stated, "with a town of only 9,300 we feel the closeness of community as does the community on the Simpsons", basically referencing the fact that everyone knows everyone on the show and in their stupid town. First of all, Springfield in the show is NOT small. It's huge and trashy, replete with a nuclear power plant. The fact that the show has to use the same, what, 50 characters has nothing to do with the size of the town, it has to do with the fact that a show can't have 9,300 characters. GAH!

There's nothing other than a mill in Springfield, Vermont that indicates any level of industry. Even then, the mill is small and doesn't spew any toxic fumes that I can tell. In fact, if you google image the town, all you get are these Old Tyme buildings made with brick and attention to detail. There's no neon or malls, no freeways or news stations. For god's sake, it's a quaint little town that while I'm sure is cute and charming, holds NONE of the required features to convince me that it's The Simpson's Springfield!!!!

Let us now turn our attention to what is surely a more appropriate Springfield than the random assortment of buildings they call a "town" in Vermont. That is of course, the Springfield of Oregon. Where to begin? Let's start with the Gateway Mall, perhaps the tackiest mall ever conceived. Built in the late 80's/early 90's, the mall is a testament to its era; hastily and cheaply built, and designed without regard to the fact that time passes, indicated by a facade forever cemented in its decade. To see the mall from the I-5 is actually to gaze upon its back end; a long wall of cinder blocks painted off-white with moldy stains running down from the roof. I actually prefer the back to the front. At least in the back you don't have to deal with two enormous neon arches that flank the Gateway Mall sign. The arches are painful wrecks of teal, pink and lavender neon twisted together like bastard conjoined twins. The Gateway Mall sign itself is a continuation of this brilliant design scheme, with the text and lavender color something you would more readily see on a Hypercolor t-shirt and its matching pair of Hammer Pants. The outside anchor stores are equally obscure. You see, there was already a huge mall in Eugene (Valley River) that had all the nicest stores that would dare think of coming into the local economy. Therefore, the eventual closure of all the original stores in Gateway came as no surprise. The one remaining anchor store, Sears, was eventually joined by Target, Ross and (hold onto your hats!) Kohl's. To go inside is to witness the true beauty of interior architecture. Lest you worry that the neon would remain only on the outside, you'll be happy to know that not only does it follow you inside, but joins its friends Shiny Brass and Sparkling White Christmas Lights. You know, for class. Walking down the corridor you'll pass all manner of kiosks, the most popular being "Sunglasses 4 U" and "Candy 4 Less". The actual stores are none you've ever heard of because they are independently owned and thought Gateway would be an ideal setup. Let's see, there's Magic Castle of Swords! Need an Elven Dagger or Klingon Batleth? Perhaps your style is more in the Crafters Alley vein? No? Well I'm sure Parable Christian Store must have something for you. Still not convinced? Alright look, if Quick Test Opinion Center can't satisfy you, I don't know what can. If it weren't for the huge megaplex theater built there, the traffic flow would have slowed to a drip long ago. Oh wait, a new megaplex was just built at Valley River. Well, good luck with everything Gateway.

Now to the Weyerhauser factory, conveniently located just a quick jaunt down the I-105. You can see the plume of white smoke for miles, but when you get up close, you witness the glory and grandeur of a Northwest paper mill. The main spew-tower is joined by lots of others and all of them are in full swing during business hours. I guess that Weyerhauser thought green would be a wonderful color to paint the tower. Nestled in a lush and beautiful Willamette Valley, they thought correctly. However, it would have been a beautiful color if the green they chose wasn't somewhere between olive and mint. The color is offensive enough, but as you drive closer, your nostrils are assaulted by a nasty melange of sulfur and paper pulp. There's no way around it, as the only quick way into the Cascade range from Eugene is through Springfield. During the night hours, the light atop the tower shines as a glistening beacon of the deforestation industry.

Finally, let us turn back around, head south a bit and take a stroll along Main Street. With the new addition of the Wildish Community Theater, one must say that Springfield is a town on the grow. Unfortunately, the theater is surrounded by three or four strip clubs, a dilapidated second hand store, a KFC and City Hall (trust me, another architectural marvel). Though the city has gone to great lengths to promote itself as a "true American family destination", the downtown area should more rightly be catered to the folks seeking a "true American crack family destination". An utter failure in the competition between Springfield and Eugene, the commerce of downtown Springfield reminds one of better times when it was actually safe to be outside at night. Try as they might to refurbish and renew, downtown Springfield is barely held together by the broken dreams of strippers and their community theater.

In conclusion, allow me to say that although I hold a special disregard for Springfield, Eugene is not without its issues. Believe me, that could be an entire two blog postings. However, this post is not about Eugene. It is about the perfection of Springfield as the TRUE home of The Simpsons. To the voters on the east coast who voted based on location rather than authenticity, I say BOLLOCKS!