I'm No Expert, But...
I'm pretty sure a hot dog eating contest doesn't qualify one to garner any "greatest moments in sports" awards.
But that's not what a commentator at ESPNHD thinks, oh no.
Maybe you know, maybe you don't, but Takeru Kobayashi is the reigning world champion of hot dog eating contests. And if your stomach churns as much as mine does when you hear that, you're good people. Correction: he was the reigning world champion.
Looks like this 4th of July won't be fondly remembered by poor Kobayashi. He came in a distant second to Joey Chestnut of San Jose, eating a paltry 63 hotdogs in 12 minutes compared to Chestnut's 66. You know what they say: "second place is the first loser".
If you watch the video on YouTube, you may notice something interesting about the whole shebang. Oh, that is aside from Kobayashi blowing chunks. Because he does. Into his hands. And tries to cover it up by swallowing his own half-digested hot dog vomit. What is stupefying, aside from the fact that this actually gets attention, is the announcer's voices. I'm just guessing, but only a few possible things could be going on to get them so hyper-excited:
1) They are new to the network and have to "put in their time" at the 'ol ESPN. Hot dog eating contest, here I come!
2) Before taping, they dared each other to act like they were commentating on an actual sporting event, say, football or basketball.
3) Their drinks were spiked with strange, delicious spices called meth, cocaine and meth.
My theory is that a little of all three is involved, but mostly numbers 2 and 3. The cadence and feverish pitch of their voices suggests (if you were hearing it without seeing it), that the contestants were climbing individual 100-foot trees, leaping from the top of one to the base of another ("60, 61, Chestnut has PASSED Kobayashi!!!"). They use words like "unbelievable" and "incredible". At one point, one of the commentators says, "Come on now, Chestnut. The fans want 'ya. Kobayashi is bringin' it today."
But my personal, all time favorite quote ever in the history of sports commentating comes from one of the hairpieces when he exclaims:
"...39 seconds remain. This would be the greatest moment in the history of American sports if Chestnut can bring The Belt home to Coney Island; it's been gone for 9 years."
Greatest moment in the history of American sports, huh? Must've been the meth talking. You can just see the look on the face of the other commentator, somewhere between "What a fucking nutjob" and "Jeez I could really go for some more of that meth". I consider myself nowhere near a connoisseur of the sporting world, but even I can think of moments in American sports that were far greater than this puke fest. Like the time gymnast Keri Strug stuck a solid landing on her second attempt after her first vault caused a hairline fracture in her leg. It won the American ladies gymnastics team an olympic gold medal, people.
Oh, and "The Belt"? What belt? They win a stupid belt for this thing? They win anything for this thing? I probably shouldn't be surprised, but I don't think a belt is such a great symbol of winning a hot dog eating contest. WWF wrestlers win belts, not Chestnut and his gullet. But wait, I can totally see why they give a belt at these things. It's so the winner can hold in their belly that would otherwise expand and explode all over the audience. Hopefully they give belts to every other contestant as well. But of course only the gold, diamond-encrusted one goes to the winner. And though others may think me crazy for saying it, all the hot dog eating champion belts in the world can't by you, Joey Chestnut of San Jose, the one thing you so desperately need: dignity.
Addition: In the high-profile sport of hot dog eating contests, they actually have a word that consisely relays the verb "to blow chunks" without such unnecessarily gruesome phraseology. If you really think about it, hot dog eating contests are a sport of nuance and grace. Being that this is a legitimate sport, one of the MOST legitimate, a sporting term has therefore been employed. If you didn't catch it in the video, or if you're smart and didn't even watch the video, the word is "reversal". As in, "Woah Chuck, that reversal is gonna cost Kobayashi a point". Yeah. Reversal.
But that's not what a commentator at ESPNHD thinks, oh no.
Maybe you know, maybe you don't, but Takeru Kobayashi is the reigning world champion of hot dog eating contests. And if your stomach churns as much as mine does when you hear that, you're good people. Correction: he was the reigning world champion.
Looks like this 4th of July won't be fondly remembered by poor Kobayashi. He came in a distant second to Joey Chestnut of San Jose, eating a paltry 63 hotdogs in 12 minutes compared to Chestnut's 66. You know what they say: "second place is the first loser".
If you watch the video on YouTube, you may notice something interesting about the whole shebang. Oh, that is aside from Kobayashi blowing chunks. Because he does. Into his hands. And tries to cover it up by swallowing his own half-digested hot dog vomit. What is stupefying, aside from the fact that this actually gets attention, is the announcer's voices. I'm just guessing, but only a few possible things could be going on to get them so hyper-excited:
1) They are new to the network and have to "put in their time" at the 'ol ESPN. Hot dog eating contest, here I come!
2) Before taping, they dared each other to act like they were commentating on an actual sporting event, say, football or basketball.
3) Their drinks were spiked with strange, delicious spices called meth, cocaine and meth.
My theory is that a little of all three is involved, but mostly numbers 2 and 3. The cadence and feverish pitch of their voices suggests (if you were hearing it without seeing it), that the contestants were climbing individual 100-foot trees, leaping from the top of one to the base of another ("60, 61, Chestnut has PASSED Kobayashi!!!"). They use words like "unbelievable" and "incredible". At one point, one of the commentators says, "Come on now, Chestnut. The fans want 'ya. Kobayashi is bringin' it today."
But my personal, all time favorite quote ever in the history of sports commentating comes from one of the hairpieces when he exclaims:
"...39 seconds remain. This would be the greatest moment in the history of American sports if Chestnut can bring The Belt home to Coney Island; it's been gone for 9 years."
Greatest moment in the history of American sports, huh? Must've been the meth talking. You can just see the look on the face of the other commentator, somewhere between "What a fucking nutjob" and "Jeez I could really go for some more of that meth". I consider myself nowhere near a connoisseur of the sporting world, but even I can think of moments in American sports that were far greater than this puke fest. Like the time gymnast Keri Strug stuck a solid landing on her second attempt after her first vault caused a hairline fracture in her leg. It won the American ladies gymnastics team an olympic gold medal, people.
Oh, and "The Belt"? What belt? They win a stupid belt for this thing? They win anything for this thing? I probably shouldn't be surprised, but I don't think a belt is such a great symbol of winning a hot dog eating contest. WWF wrestlers win belts, not Chestnut and his gullet. But wait, I can totally see why they give a belt at these things. It's so the winner can hold in their belly that would otherwise expand and explode all over the audience. Hopefully they give belts to every other contestant as well. But of course only the gold, diamond-encrusted one goes to the winner. And though others may think me crazy for saying it, all the hot dog eating champion belts in the world can't by you, Joey Chestnut of San Jose, the one thing you so desperately need: dignity.
Addition: In the high-profile sport of hot dog eating contests, they actually have a word that consisely relays the verb "to blow chunks" without such unnecessarily gruesome phraseology. If you really think about it, hot dog eating contests are a sport of nuance and grace. Being that this is a legitimate sport, one of the MOST legitimate, a sporting term has therefore been employed. If you didn't catch it in the video, or if you're smart and didn't even watch the video, the word is "reversal". As in, "Woah Chuck, that reversal is gonna cost Kobayashi a point". Yeah. Reversal.
posted by Infused Confusion at
8:11 AM
1 Comments:
So do hot dog eating championship belts stretch?
By
Mr. Burns, At
2:32 PM
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home