Addicted, Not Diseased

This post has been a long time coming for me. I have made several attempts, none of which read very well after the fact. However, I realize now that words will fail at every attempt of this difficult subject, so I better just do what I usually do and spew forth anyway...

Drugs. This is what I'm talking about here. Coke, heroin, alcohol, cigarettes, acid, ecstasy, weed, perscription medication, you name it. I'm not interested in which one is more addictive than another, for I do not believe it matters. There are many who would warn children that any amount of the afore mentioned would bring immediate addiction and cause your life to spin out of control. While I agree that this is a possibility, I know many people who use purely recreationally and don't suffer the same addictive properties I did or others do. This shouldn't suggest I'm not for drug counseling at early stages of development, particularly when our society is becoming more and more obsessed with living in an alternate reality (kinda like our President).

I'll spare you all the gritty details of my foray into Drugville, suffice to say I made an extended stay and vacationed in the lovely Coke Hotel on Smoke It Avenue. I was addicted. My body ached without it, my mind reeled in a tortuous cycle, Real Life was not what I wanted Real to be. Of course, I was always fabulous and always in control; just like you hear all the time, I could stop whenever I wanted to. But I didn't for some time.

My confrontation with the "disease" of addiction came when I began attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings. During these sessions of remorse and guilt, we were told that we had lost control of our lives, that we could not turn ourselves around without clear steps to take and certain values to believe in. We were not to associate with anyone, family or otherwise, who "used", nor were we to attend functions where there may be drugs or alcohol. Then we went outside with our coffee and smoked five cigarettes during our seven minute break.

Something wasn't right. Though I wanted so badly to believe the NA message, it wasn't working in me. Not for lack of trying, I assure you. I spent many a meeting in tears, faced with my decisions. I listened to people who had been using for decades tell their nightmarish accounts of theft, rape, anything so they could have their drug teddy bear.

I cannot tell you what it is like to be addicted to a substance. Of course, I could easily extend this to other aspects that do not involve substances of the drug-related kind and point out addictions people have to work, school or label makers. However, I think that the messages society gives to the "diseased", addicted folks mainly concerns drugs so that's what I'll address.

Addiction is not a disease. I say this with trepidation, for once being there and knowing people who were in the grip of it, it feels very much like a disease. After all, your mind is working against itself - on the one hand, you've become conscious of the fact that you don't want to use anymore; on the other, your body is aching for its teddy bear. Here sits the addict; some for the remainder of their lives, particularly the ones who have spent most of their lives dependent on a drug. Bottom line, and the reason people call it a disease, is because they don't want it anymore and are taking steps to get rid of it.

This is problematic, and what I confronted in NA (and caused me to leave) was that the people telling their stories, including myself, remove their own decisions from the equation. By definition, a disease is something you "catch" unwillingly and unknowingly. Now, the only aspect of addiction that could maybe pertain to this definition is that after taking the drug, you had no idea how addictive it would be. However, that isn't inherent to what a disease is or how it acts. Of course nobody knows how bad a cold will be, but you know you're going to get one and there's little you can do about it. One could say that addicts are taking steps to rid themselves of the disease (like the common cold-sufferer is) by going to meetings and reading their steps. However, the common cold-sufferer was taking these steps at the onset of their cold. The moment they feel sick, they're dosing up on DayQuil, sudafed and the like. Okay, okay, spare me the argument that these are drugs too and one can become addicted to them. That would only happen if the cold-sufferer consciously took the medication after they knew they were no longer suffering from a cold. The problem here is that the addict wants to think it wasn't them that loaded the pipe, lifted it to their mouth, covered the carb, flicked the lighter, touched it to the Crack and inhaled. The problem I found, what drove me away from these meetings was that not one person took responsibility for their actions.

Here's where it gets tricky - they say they take responsibility for their actions. They say that they understand what they did and where it led them. My experience, and the experience of others who have successfully kicked their habit, is that paying lip-service to one's accidtion and embracing it is quite another. It is not enough to take pre-determined steps to find what it is you still love about yourself. The failure rate of those who attend NA meetings is staggering. Why? Well, of course people in the program say it's because they weren't ready, they weren't trying hard enough, blah blah - It's never their message.

The steps NA and programs like it revolve around one "submitting" themselves to their disease and acknowledging they cannot live a normal life anymore. They must avoid, at all costs, situations that put them in contact with drugs or alcohol and (as I said before), NEVER associate with those who do. Then, as if by magic, you go through the steps and must live your life according to the virtues set forth by them. This is exactly why so many addicts can't kick their addiction. Virtues shmirtues. They want to be friends with friends who may drink or use on occasion. They need their family (if they aren't estranged from them) to love and support them. Moreover, they need to find the confidence within themselves to love what they were before they became addicted.

I had the benefit of a good education and a loving family to help me through my addiction. I had a large support base and got cards from loved ones giving me encouragement. Some addicts have very little of this, if any. However, I know that our experience of addiction is one in the same. Honestly, many of the addicts I knew had exactly what I did and said "fuck it" anyway. Even though my family loved me, even though I had attended middle and high school, I had to rediscover something that every addict, regardless of their family or level of education, must discover - themselves. For me, it was facing my sexuality in a positive and affirming way, even though that meant possible confrontation with my family. For some, it's dealing with their abusive parent or dead loved one or plain-old addictive personality. In any case, the decision to turn your life around means admitting that YOU CAUSED YOUR PAIN and ONLY YOU CAN HELP YOURSELF. There never was, never is and never will be such a thing as the "disease" of addiction. I believe what would help people the most in this situation is tell them that nothing, nothing is going to be easy, that in fact it will become much harder, but that they're worth it.

Support of a system founded on a faulty principle does not lead to success. Telling people that they were miserable pieces of shit, to love it, hug it and learn to live despite it should be the goal. Don't live in denial - you are the product of your past decisions but what you can do is still undecided.