(Shudder)

I'm totally stoked on this poster for several reasons. I don't know which part I like the best. What can I say? I'm entranced by the beauty of Ann's demure visage. She is truly a spectacular woman, worthy of having a poster made with, uh, that picture.

I'll give you that she's a best-selling author, but so is Tom Clancy. The rest was just added for comedic value. I mean, it had to be right? Although, truth be told, the first thing I think when I hear Ann Coulter talk is "witty" and "intelligent". Watch any of her interviews and you'll be like, "Damn! She's witty and intelligent! And also compelling!" I promise you won't be like, "Bat. Shit. Crazy."

So let's discuss. I mean, it's a given that I'm getting this poster and hanging it proudly above my bed so I can masturbate to it. Who wouldn't? It's "stunning"! I can't be gay when the object in question is the heavenly Ann Coulter! Besides, homegirl has a surprise penis, you can tell it in her eyes. She's saying, "I've got a surprise penis. Wanna touch it?", which is precisely why all those old conservative senators love her. Oh snap!

I think they made the poster 24 inches wide by 34 inches high because that's the size of her anal cavity. It must be! You can't crap out the shit like Ann Coulter and have a small rectum. It's simple mathematics. You must have the largest rectum ever conceived.

Hopefully you get invited to my next party because you know we're playing "pin the penis on the Coulter".

Kelis, circa 1467

When I Was Young...

I've always been too confident for my own good. Particularly when I was growing up, I assumed I knew perfectly well what certain words and phrases meant when in fact I hadn't the slightest idea. Let's take a walk down memory lane...

* My mother rarely purchased sweets for us. When she did, it was on very special occasions. Soda counted as a sweet, so my mother never taught me the word "soda". One day in the store, I started screaming that I wanted a "calowie". She asked me to say what a "calowie" was and I could only scream louder and louder. When she finally calmed me down, we were passing the soda aisle. I reached out for Diet Pepsi and began my little show all over again. Of course, mom didn't get me a "calowie" but wondered where I got the idea. That night, she saw the commercial for Diet Pepsi which proclaimed several times, "just one calorie".

* When I was little, I thought the word "urinate" had something to do with the number eight each of us was automatically assigned when someone uttered the word "urinate".

* When I was a little older, I was watching one of those British dramas on PBS and saw one man slap another man twice. On the first slap, he called the man a fiend; the second, he called him a bastard. I thought "bastard" was just some kind of British insult amounting to "jerk". One time in the back seat of the car, my young brother began acting up. I pretend slapped his face, repeating the line from the British drama, thereby calling my brother a "bastard". The front seat creaked a little as my mother turned around. She didn't need to speak. The look in her eyes told me exactly what I had done: "If you ever use that word again, I will KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS".

* Until I reached high school, I used the phrase "in lieu of" to mean "because of", rather than the correct "instead of".

* I came tromping home from school one day when I was six or seven. I walked straight up to my dad with a cavalier look on my face. He asked me what I was thinking. I smugly proclaimed, "I heard the 'f' word at school today. I know what it means". He smirked and asked me what it meant. Realizing that I hadn't thought that far ahead, I shifted a little and said awkwardly but confidently, "It means... 'you stupid boy'."

* In sexual education, we were learning about ways men and women take care of themselves and get tested for STDs. Going through what was an otherwise boring part of Sex Ed, I became intrigued at the idea of a pap smear. Our book didn't explain what it was, just that it was a very important procedure for women to have every once in a while. I gazed off into the distance and thought of my dog who sometimes dragged his ass across the lawn. While I was sure it would be much less of a spectacle for women than for my dog, I imagined the mechanics must be relatively the same. Perhaps not for a long distance, but they must certainly drag their vagina across a piece of sterilized paper, or have some paper dragged across for them. Many years later, a female friend told me what a pap smear is really like. I was horrified. Props to the ladies.

1st Annual Mother of the Year Award

I would like to present the Me & The Horse I Rode In On's First Annual Mother of the Year Award! Though many viable candidates crossed my desk and though I wish I could give awards to each of them, life is, as they say, only for winners. All of us could take a page from the life of this year's winner, as her example set a standard of the utmost care and concern for her child's well being. Rejoice with exceeding great joy this day, and let us all remember that two year olds, contrary to what those commie hippies may tell you, love to smoke marijuana. Congratulations to Krystle Leigh Weber of Wisconsin!

OCTOBER 11--The mother of a two-year-old Wisconsin boy shared a marijuana blunt with her child as friends laughed, filmed the child smoking, and asked, "Hey buddy, are you stoned?" Krystle Leigh Weber, 20, was charged yesterday along with two male friends with pot possession and contributing to the delinquency of a minor (Weber was also hit with a child neglect rap, also a misdemeanor). According to a Circuit Court complaint, after a confidential source told police about the smoking incident, cops seized a cell phone from defendant Sean Held, 19, and discovered three videos of the August incident. On the clips, the boy is seen holding and apparently puffing on a blunt, and "staggering around a bedroom in what appears to be a confused and altered state." In a police interview, Weber, said that she initially rejected Held's suggestion to have her son "hit it," but eventually relented and agreed to let the two-year-old take a "small one." The complaint notes that Weber told police that she "knew what she did was wrong, and she would do anything to keep her son."

Best. lolcat. EVER.