Il Fait Beau

In French, that means, "yes, I'd like some fries with that but please don't give me the ones that are all soggy and gross. No, I said not the ones that are soggy and gross. Please try harder to impress me as a valued customer."

Actually, it is a French statement about the weather. Today it's 60 degrees F (for those of you in the rest of the world, "F" stands for "Functilious"; see also: "word I thought was real but in fact isn't after verifying at dictionary.com").

I went to a speech on Monday by Dr. Bonnie Mann, one of my professors and one who inspires me to be myself and offer the world something new. I'm currently taking her Feminst Philosophy class. It's a 350, but we're getting a really good grasp on the roots of feminism beginning with Simone de Beauvoir (P.S. Ben I still wish to discuss why you don't like "Le Deuxième Sexe". I don't necessarily disagree, by the way).

Lately, I've been feeling lost in my major. I know I'm not the only one, but the sensation is palpable. I think it has much to do with the fact that I am reading authors whose writing techniques are, for lack of a better word, sucky.

Soon my junior year will be over and I will begin on my Honor's Thesis (not required to get a degree but you know how I am). I've been fumbling ideas over my head, loosely batting at them like a lazy cat and it's just discouraging. To reach from myself, don't I have to have a place to start from? What is that? That I'm gay? A man? A gay man? A man gay? Gay a man? You get the idea. And further, to what am I reaching? For knowledge? Truth? Understanding? All my goals and all my starting places are as ambiguous as the terms I use to define "goal" and "starting place". If you've read Beauvoir and know what I'm referring to here, then you're one step closer to eating a tasty burrito.

Rarely have I felt so deeply moved by a philosophical text. Something is resonating, buzzing inside me but I can't put my finger on it. I want to run out and do something but I can't make my legs work.

So be it. Perhaps it is not such a great idea to have a goal in mind. I think that those who are desparately searching for something will eventually find it, to what end (and how realistically) is another issue entirely.

As I re-read this post I see that I'm offering nothing new. Everybody's confused, nobody can figure anything out, and that's the way life has to be. Every major contribution is set back by further turmoil, further despair. The greater the stride, the greater people suffer. I really don't care what you think personally - the world is complete shit right now. The powerful (speaking as one myself) don't know what kind of power they weild. They hold onto the egotistical conception that "if you just try hard enough, you can succeed in life". People all over the world are dying in order to placate our insaciable greed, only to have that greed grow and grow.

I'm at the point now where I'm faced with the "Ivory Tower Philosopher" in me. Do I just sit here and bitch about the world and offer overly-complex treatises and essays and literary diarrhea on how I think the world should be relating? Do I roll up my sleeves, join Peace Corps and "live" for something? What can I offer? What the hell am I living for?

It's a beautiful day all right...