New Job, New Appreciation For Life

I'm working for the Office of External Affairs in the Lundquist College of Business at the University of Oregon located in Eugene in the United States on the Planet Earth in the Milky Way Galaxy. My title is "President, Chancellor and Executor of the World", but that's what happens when you give me a label maker. Actually, I'm still an administrative assistant, only THIS time, it's like, for real. Allow me to enligten you into some of the differences between my new job and my previous one.

(P.S. if I don't list these in numerical order, a comet will hit my head and kill me)

1. Cleanliness: So, most office environments have janitors that visit nightly. You know, to take out the trash, dust your desk and take the piece of cake you left out. I love janitors (that means you, Chris). My previous employers, however, didn't see things quite that way. We were in a "professional" office environment for FOUR YEARS before we got a janitor to come in ONCE A WEEK. Before that, we would hire one of our own to "clean" the office, which they conveniently forgot most of the time, which means I got to take out the trash. This may not be a problem if there weren't, say, 48 employees using the bathroom every day, or say, 48 employees dumping their coffee grinds into the trash can but not really and spilling that grainy shit all over the wall, or say, eating lunch on the carpeted area and spilling milk and not cleaning it up. When I stepped in as senior admin over there, I literally had to kick and scream and shout for us to get the cleaners to pretty please with a cherry on top of your mom to come in TWICE a week.

2. Supplies: As you already know, I have a label maker. As far as I'm concerned, this is the only piece of office equipment anyone could ever need. Pens and highliters are useful too, I suppose. Anyway, in my new office, I am in a veritable ocean of office supplies, and if I need more (of WHATEVER I WANT WITHIN REASON), I order it. In my previous office, if we wanted anything to be ordered, we would first compile the list, send it to our controller, he would review the list, and possibly order everything you needed. We ordered through Staples.com, which was fine, but Staples has their own line of most office things (i.e. pens and paper). We were not allowed to order Bic pens, ones that, you know, lasted more than a day and didn't clog with ink and weren't made out of cheap plastic so freakin' cheap that the pens would shatter from time to time because you had the nerve to write with it. Name brand highliters were also out of the question, along with tape, staples, scissors and toilet paper. You'd think that wouldn't be so problematic, after all, supplies are supplies. But you, as part of the American Patriarchial Consumeristic Ecographical Sociological Construct know that some products are BETTER than others. Let's see, what am I forgetting? Oh yeah, there were specific items deemed "unnecessary expenses" and therefore we weren't allowed to order them: pencils, cups for employees, toilet paper that didn't lacerate your precious pucker, and finally, TOILET SEAT COVERS. Yes, according to that company, friggin' toilet seat covers are an "unnecessary expense". Of course, the people deeming that product as unnecessary did not experience the squalor that was our office. Try going into the bathroom after a crack-addicted, strung-out, needle-usin' junkie forgot to clean up their bloody mess and finding some of their blood spattered on the toilet seat, telling this to your corportate office, and they STILL deny your request.

3. People: They don't smell here, they don't throw tantrums, they don't eat like starving jackals, they don't scream when you're standing right there. Furthermore, they're not addicted to drugs (visibly, which is enough for me), they can read and write, they use updated equipment, they smile and laugh. Don't get me wrong, people would smile and laugh at my old job but only because they were high on their valium/xanax/triptomine/paxil/heroin. There aren't secret alliances here, the people have open dialogues about problems, solutions and the importance of both. If there was a problem with a manager at my old job, I would express my concern to the party involved, they would vent to another manager who would in turn mention it to one of their employees (who was also their friend, oh the professionalism) who would talk to their husband about it who would tell his ex-wife's teacher's daughter's twice-removed cousin, who would inevitably show up at work and bitch me out for insulting her pancakes. Yeah, if you think I'm exaggerating, well I am, but you get the idea.

That's about all I can think of for now. I'm in a very happy place right now, because today was the last day of my summer class, the Philosophy of Cultural Diversity, which was extremely enriching, because we used lots of butter.