So Many Questions, So Little Crack to Smoke
April is probably the only person to realize that I haven't posted in a long time, including me. She forwarded a list of questions to fill out so here I go:
1. Your full name:
Patrick Aaron Thelonius Kevin Shaneefa Moore
2. What your Native American name would have been if you were in Dances With Wolves:
Carl
3. Your birthday:
Outta control fun
4. Name of a famous person who shares your birthday:
Paula Abdul a.k.a. Oxy McVicodin
5. What is the best thing you can do with your hands?
HOLLA PANDA!! (thud)
6. What is the worst thing you’ve done to someone?
Promised to donate my kidney but when the time came and they needed it, didn't return their calls. I mean, it was their fault for believing me!
7. What is an evil thing you’d like to do to someone (enemy, Tom Cruise, Accounting Dept., etc.)?
Make them sit through one of our all-staff meetings.
8. What is the stupidest movie you’ve ever seen?
Spiderman 3
9. Have you ever cheated?
Oh god yes. I didn't get a 15,305 on my SATs because I played fair.
10. Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes. It was totally great when I caught him and he tried to tell me that I didn't see what I just saw. Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia.
11. Have you ever discovered a dead body while hiking?
Yes. Yes I have.
12. If you ever did discover a dead body while hiking, would you take anything off the body (jewelry, loose change, sunglasses, etc)?
Uhhhh.... do penises count? I mean like if it was a really really nice one.
13. Do you ever talk to the TV?
Try to watch one of those design shows where a prospective home buyer walks into a room and says, "Well now I just don't like this color they painted on the walls," and not scream, "IT'S CALLED PAINT YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!"
14. Does the TV ever reply?
No. The idiots continue being pathetically stupid. Such is my life.
15. What is your marital status?
About to do a barrel roll and roundhouse kick to this chick's dome... oh wait... maRItal status. Let's see... we own a house together and will be celebrating our six year anniversary in October... so I'd say barely together. If only we could get married like straight people! Then our relationship would be solid for sure!
16. Would you recommend that status to a friend?
Yeah sure, what the hell.
17. How about to an enemy?
Oh no. My enemies (you know who you are, Evan) will have much, much worse befall them.
18. Have you ever hit a parked car and failed to leave a note?
If by "parked car" you mean "child" and by "leave a note" you mean "stuffed their lifeless body into my trunk with considerable difficulty," then no I haven't failed.
19. Has someone done it to you?
I've woken up unconscious in a trunk more times than I can remember. That I wasn't stuffed in a trunk as a child is absolutely unfathomable.
20. Have you ever consumed an entire pie in one sitting?
And how!
21. Name a fictional Olympic sport that you would win:
Simultaneous Hand Jobs to Jilted Construction Workers Whose Wives Haven't Touched Them in Over Six Months. Gold medal, hands down. And up. And down. And up and down and up and down.
22. Do you believe in the death sentence?
Well, plenty of people have said "I'm gonna KILL YOU," and so far it hasn't happened, so no. I don't believe in it.
23. Do you believe in Santa?
You mean that bloated, half-drunk, red-nosed dude who wears a ridiculous outfit and talks to reindeer? We just call him Grandpa.
24. Do you believe in God?
I believe that others believe in god. By logical extension, that makes their belief in god a waste of time because anything I believe in is by definition fictitious because reality is what I say it is. If I have to take the effort to believe in it, it has no basis in reality. It's called Patrick's Law of Awesomeness.
25. Do you have neighbors you can’t stand?
No, they're all really nice so far!
26. Are you the neighbor people can’t stand?
I'm certain of it!
27. In your opinion, what’s the best thing to make out of leather?
A) Furniture, B) pants, C) purses, D) “toys.”
I'm going to assume that "toys" means a nice leather football for my nephew, so I'll go with D.
28. Have you ever been arrested?
Nope, my record is squeaky clean! Meth lab, cocaine processing plant, and moonshine distillery notwithstanding.
29. If yes, did the charges stick?
Right to mah balls!
30. If you are in a public bathroom with five stalls and someone is in stall #1 and someone else is in stall #5, which is the correct stall for you to use?
Stall #1. The whole "foot tapping" thing wastes too much time. Trust me, people. Just walk into that stall and get busy. Life's too short!
1. Your full name:
Patrick Aaron Thelonius Kevin Shaneefa Moore
2. What your Native American name would have been if you were in Dances With Wolves:
Carl
3. Your birthday:
Outta control fun
4. Name of a famous person who shares your birthday:
Paula Abdul a.k.a. Oxy McVicodin
5. What is the best thing you can do with your hands?
HOLLA PANDA!! (thud)
6. What is the worst thing you’ve done to someone?
Promised to donate my kidney but when the time came and they needed it, didn't return their calls. I mean, it was their fault for believing me!
7. What is an evil thing you’d like to do to someone (enemy, Tom Cruise, Accounting Dept., etc.)?
Make them sit through one of our all-staff meetings.
8. What is the stupidest movie you’ve ever seen?
Spiderman 3
9. Have you ever cheated?
Oh god yes. I didn't get a 15,305 on my SATs because I played fair.
10. Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes. It was totally great when I caught him and he tried to tell me that I didn't see what I just saw. Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia.
11. Have you ever discovered a dead body while hiking?
Yes. Yes I have.
12. If you ever did discover a dead body while hiking, would you take anything off the body (jewelry, loose change, sunglasses, etc)?
Uhhhh.... do penises count? I mean like if it was a really really nice one.
13. Do you ever talk to the TV?
Try to watch one of those design shows where a prospective home buyer walks into a room and says, "Well now I just don't like this color they painted on the walls," and not scream, "IT'S CALLED PAINT YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!"
14. Does the TV ever reply?
No. The idiots continue being pathetically stupid. Such is my life.
15. What is your marital status?
About to do a barrel roll and roundhouse kick to this chick's dome... oh wait... maRItal status. Let's see... we own a house together and will be celebrating our six year anniversary in October... so I'd say barely together. If only we could get married like straight people! Then our relationship would be solid for sure!
16. Would you recommend that status to a friend?
Yeah sure, what the hell.
17. How about to an enemy?
Oh no. My enemies (you know who you are, Evan) will have much, much worse befall them.
18. Have you ever hit a parked car and failed to leave a note?
If by "parked car" you mean "child" and by "leave a note" you mean "stuffed their lifeless body into my trunk with considerable difficulty," then no I haven't failed.
19. Has someone done it to you?
I've woken up unconscious in a trunk more times than I can remember. That I wasn't stuffed in a trunk as a child is absolutely unfathomable.
20. Have you ever consumed an entire pie in one sitting?
And how!
21. Name a fictional Olympic sport that you would win:
Simultaneous Hand Jobs to Jilted Construction Workers Whose Wives Haven't Touched Them in Over Six Months. Gold medal, hands down. And up. And down. And up and down and up and down.
22. Do you believe in the death sentence?
Well, plenty of people have said "I'm gonna KILL YOU," and so far it hasn't happened, so no. I don't believe in it.
23. Do you believe in Santa?
You mean that bloated, half-drunk, red-nosed dude who wears a ridiculous outfit and talks to reindeer? We just call him Grandpa.
24. Do you believe in God?
I believe that others believe in god. By logical extension, that makes their belief in god a waste of time because anything I believe in is by definition fictitious because reality is what I say it is. If I have to take the effort to believe in it, it has no basis in reality. It's called Patrick's Law of Awesomeness.
25. Do you have neighbors you can’t stand?
No, they're all really nice so far!
26. Are you the neighbor people can’t stand?
I'm certain of it!
27. In your opinion, what’s the best thing to make out of leather?
A) Furniture, B) pants, C) purses, D) “toys.”
I'm going to assume that "toys" means a nice leather football for my nephew, so I'll go with D.
28. Have you ever been arrested?
Nope, my record is squeaky clean! Meth lab, cocaine processing plant, and moonshine distillery notwithstanding.
29. If yes, did the charges stick?
Right to mah balls!
30. If you are in a public bathroom with five stalls and someone is in stall #1 and someone else is in stall #5, which is the correct stall for you to use?
Stall #1. The whole "foot tapping" thing wastes too much time. Trust me, people. Just walk into that stall and get busy. Life's too short!
posted by Infused Confusion at
4:16 PM
3 Comments:
Holla Panda! (thud)
By
ShannonRose, At
7:32 AM
Ha! Fantastic. I'm stealing this list of questions for my own blog.
My answers will not be as funny.
By
Copy Editor, At
11:47 AM
#13 FTW, dude. I totally agree.
Also, are you aware that you are hilarious? I almost suffocated while reading this. Probably shouldn't have had that plastic bag over my head, but that's how they teach it in SD.
By
April, At
5:41 PM
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