TMI

WARNING: This post is about an experience I just finished having with a hot pepper eaten last night. If you don't want to know about the workings of my digestion track, you have probably already read too much.

That said, the reason for this post is because we all have painful bowel movements and I'm not ashamed to share mine with the world via the internets. Last night, Eric, Robin and myself went to a local favorite restaurant Asado for some yummy dinner.

As we hungrily read the menu, Eric was reminded of a particularly delicious appetizer they served - the Jalapeno poppers. Now, these aren't your typical popper. They are an entire jalapeno, stuffed with a creamy mixture of sour cream, bacon and onion, then deep fried to perfection. Four of them came on a plate and the dipping sauce was a thick blue cheese concoction. Trust me, they were amazing. Oh my god. They were so good. So creamy, so flavorful, so, so, HOT AS HELL.

Tears poured down my cheeks from the high concentration of acid and heat. I couldn't stop eating it, even though my body begged me to do so. My tongue soon lost the ability to distinguish between tastes. We motioned to the server for water in a typical this-pepper-is-fucking-hot-as-shit-holy-shit-I-might-die-HOLY-SHIT manner, "Watah... bwa. Watah!", waving hysterically towards our table. She smirked and produced three tumblers filled with water. By that time, the scorching had subsided and we were free to finish our own thoughts again.

The night was capped with Sakitinis and a viewing of Blades of Glory, which far exceeded my expectations. We talked and visited, all the while laughing gaily (especially Eric). Unbeknown to me at the time, that pepper was far from finished with its punishment. In fact, what happened to my mouth was only a taste of the power this ONE pepper was about to unleash.

I slept peacefully through the night; no leaping from the bed to deal with an eruption. This morning, however, was a different story. My usual routine involves waking up, getting up, using the potty and taking a shower. From the moment I sat on the toilet, my bowels clenched and I knew something was about to happen. My entire body flushed red. My intestines burned red hot and I knew I was in for an unpleasant experience.

15 minutes passed, my body clenching and quaking from the heat, reeling in agony, sitting upright, bending over and clenching my feet. As it exited my body, the toxic waste evaporated the water on contact, a sulfurous odor filled the air. Was I dying? Why is it burning so much? Why can I feel my entire intestinal track? Was that my LIVER?!

This bout with my bowels utterly wrecked my morning schedule. While I do use the potty and sometimes it takes 5 minutes, this morning's marathon was an unwelcome addition to the morning rush. The contractions finally subsided enough for me to hop off the potty and into the shower. Now at a breakneck pace, I was furiously ironing my shirt, threw on my clothes, didn't even eat breakfast, and off I went.

By this time, I thought the battle was finished. I felt a calm, cooling sensation rush over my belly; surely a sign that the worst was over. As if to say "FUCK YOU", my body started heating up again on the bus. I was still 7 minutes away from campus and I was sitting on an atomic bomb. To make matters worse, the bus drops me off on the opposite end of campus from the law school. At a good clip, it takes 10 minutes to walk there. I couldn't wait. I ran across the street and into the basement of the bookstore. There, on an unsuspecting toilet did I unleash Round Two of the jalapeno saga.

I twisted and turned from the sensation of needles puncturing my insides. The spicy odor once again filled the air and I knew that if anyone else came in, they would hopefully turn and run before they asphyxiated from the stench. The bowel movements were more severe this time, sputtering and lurching like a hose under too much water pressure. I remained in control, though I think I passed out for a minute or so.

Now almost late for work, I ran across campus. I couldn't tell whether or not the jalapeno had run its course. There was no cooling sensation this time but even if there was, I wouldn't have trusted it. I made it to work on time and sat to go through my email. Just when I least suspected it, my body flushed.

I leaped from my chair and towards the main door of the library. In a cruel twist of engineering, the bathrooms for our floor are located half way down the building. I whimpered as I knew I couldn't make an ass of myself careening towards the stall. Instead, I stood upright, clenched my buttocks and pretended like everything was just peachy keen. Bowel movement? What bowel movement? Japaleno poppers? Why, I barely remember them...

Inside the bathroom the third and thankfully final round of the jalapeno saga raged with unbridled fury. In a spectacular display, I was practically blown off the toilet due to the sheer force with which the jalapeno was making its final approach. I quickly braced myself against the front door of the stall, determined to rid my body of this evil force. The smell threatened to choke the consciousness right out of me but I held on, determined to finish what I started. My eyes watered, my head burned. I was certain nothing was left of my intestines. It was worth it! No regrets! GAAAAAA!!!

And then it was over. Somehow I knew it was all over. I washed my hands, walked outside and the sun was beaming down through the skylight. As if god itself were speaking, a voice from inside the bathroom then yelled, "HOLY SHIT!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL??!!"

All is right with the world.